


i wanna run away (but i'm trapped under your spell)

by selvish



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: 18x18, Angst, Closeted Character, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, No Murder AU, it starts on halloween let's pretend it's not november, smut? maybe later who knows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-08-28 21:59:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8464576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selvish/pseuds/selvish
Summary: Moving on he assessed that the kids were all pretty attractive, which meant he had somehow landed at a Cool Kid’s Party, but his gaze was caught on one guy in particular. He was blonde, with sharp grey eyes that caused him to swallow unconsciously. He had a strong jaw and cheekbones that he couldn’t stop looking at. Eventually the girl next to the other boy cleared her throat, and everyone turned to her.“So… You must be Philip?”--aka the one with the Halloween party that triggered Lukas' life spiraling out of control





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> here it is! my first Eyewitness fanfiction. this show has officially taken over my life and introduced me to my lukas, jamie ([hislivinglegacy](http://hislivinglegacy.tumblr.com)), who cowrote this fic with me. he wrote lukas while I wrote philip, and their pov switches off between -- and regular/italics (though it remains in 3rd person. i promise it's not as confusing/dumb as it sounds)  
> anyway. enough from me  
> title is from voodoo doll by 5 seconds of summer, which is one of the songs in [my philkas playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/12138666719/playlist/3VZC4EREEiX1ZTPzOJP9xw) (which i add to still, so if you wanna follow it go ahead)  
> and as always, you can find me on tumblr as [jaydenwithcon](http://jaydenwithcon.tumblr.com)!

Spots of moonlight filtered through the dense branches of pine that surrounded the ranch. The night was calm, surprisingly, with little wind to disturb the bushes along the walkway. Behind the farm house were dark, harsh woods - soon to become bleak and lifeless after the weather turned. 

A quick turn of his key silenced his bike; Lukas swung himself over and walked it to the brush. Knowing no one would try and steal it, he felt comfortable leaving it balanced against its stand a few feet away from the door. The blonde took a moment to un-strap his helmet and place it on the ground beside his bike. He ran a hand through his already tousled hair, trying to bring it to some semblance of decency.

The serene landscape was interrupted by loud bass coming from inside the house - multi-colored light flickered across the open lawn in a rapid dance. Lukas regarded the scene with no amount of enthusiasm, not liking the fact that he had been pressured by Rose to show up. These get-togethers were never fun.

Lukas hadn’t taken the costume aspect of the party seriously; like hell he was going waste money to dress up in something elaborate. All his extra cash went towards his bike. Repairs and keeping it up to snuff wasn’t cheap - and he only helped his dad around the farm - so he had no real source of income.

Rose had mentioned something about coordinating their costumes, but he could have cared less. He did take her up on getting fake vampire teeth, though. Just the kind you glued on top of your canines - nothing fancy. Lukas resisted the urge to pat himself on the back; his costume - a deep red plaid shirt with simple jeans and his boots - was the perfect mix of ‘Halloween is for losers’ and ‘But I actually care what you think so I’m low-key dressing as a vampire tonight in case you think it’s cool’. 

Eventually Lukas made his way to the front door, not bothering to knock and just let himself in. Fog drifted across the floor, interrupted by the footfalls of party goers. Preoccupied with taking of his coat, Lukas didn’t notice the figure creeping up behind him. 

“You’re here! Finally!” Rose shouted with glee as she plastered herself on Lukas’ back. “We’ve already started, way to be late.” She chided, her lips close to his ear. Flustered at being caught off-guard, the teen brought his shoulder up to his ear, muttering something about everyone else just being early. This went unnoticed by Rose, who huffed at being forced away from Lukas, but continued on nonetheless.

“Everyone else is already here - well, mostly. I think that new kid is going to show up at some point.” The brunette informed him flippantly. “Weird, right? I think Beth likes him. But he’s so quiet! How can that be interesting?” She continued, grabbing Lukas’ hand and leading him further into the chaos that was being called a party. 

“Yeah, weird.” Lukas said, nonchalantly giving Rose a once-over. She really had gone all out with her costume this year; Dracula’s mistress. She’d asked him earlier to be Dracula, but obviously, he’d turned her down. Still, her skimpy black dress hugged her hips in a way he’s sure his dad would approve of. 

When the two reached the rest of their classmates, Lukas was met with a litany of stupid questions: Where was his costume, why was he late, when the hell were they going to get drunk? Albeit the last one wasn’t too stupid - Lukas had been wondering that himself. Luckily, Beth had a chill older sister who readily supplied alcohol to them. 

A few hours passed like this - Lukas leaning against the brick laid around the fireplace, mingling with his classmates and working his way towards being tipsy. Rose was beside him, draping herself across his shoulder like she owned it. She really was a light-weight. His buzzed gaze wandered occasionally towards Rose or the hosts cattle dog, the talk ranging from their school-based gossip to complaining about life in general. 

It was a good thing Lukas was already drinking; these people bored him to tears. At least there was something to look forward to; something to make this all bearable. At the next lull in conversation, Lukas found himself dislodging Rose from his side and leaning down to pet Beth’s collie, running his fingers through the fur absentmindedly.

\--

_ Philip was tired. It was late on a Monday night and he had somehow been convinced into going to some shitty high school party. He had seen plenty of movies in his nights alone at his mother’s apartment, and he was well aware of what awaited him. The saddest part was that regardless of how he knew that spending his Halloween night with these strangers would only mean cheap alcohol and awkward small talk, he didn’t have anything better to do. _

_ The brunette wasn’t exactly a social butterfly, and even when he had lived in the city he hadn’t had a lot of friends. While the ones he had were close to a degree, and their hang outs were pretty entertaining, it wasn’t anything he could really compare to a proper friendship. Perhaps he was just being a downer, and this party could actually be pretty fun, but the past few years of his life had taught him to never let his expectations get too high. _

_ It was fairly cold by the time he left his house. On his messy brown hair rested a dollar store’s best cat ears, and Helen had drawn cat whiskers on his face. He had laughed with her as she did it, but was now second guessing his costume choice. The wind cut through his black hoodie as if he wasn’t wearing it at all, and as soon as he was moving goose bumps erupted over his arms. _

_ His plan was to arrive fashionably late in order to seem kind of cool, but as he pedalled down the main dirt road to this girl… Belle’s? Beth’s? house, he realized that dozens of eyes would be on him as soon as he walked through the door. Philip sighed in defeat and tried to convince his brain to stop overthinking as he moved his legs faster. _

_ Upon arriving at the quaint house resting in a large yard, he rested his bike on the ground and walked towards the door. He stopped, however, when he noticed a dirt bike parked amidst the cars in the driveway. Philip snorted to himself and rolled his eyes.  _ What a douchebag. _ He thought, moving on to the front porch. _

_ His hand hesitated in a fist on the cold wood of the door, and after a brief internal struggle he knocked twice and walked in. Just as he expected, the group of 10 or so people paused their conversation and all looked up at him. He tried really hard to look cool and uninterested, but underneath his resting bitch felt he felt his cheeks heat up. It hadn’t even been 60 seconds and this night was ruined. _

_ While everyone was staring at him, he figured he might as well see who he was up against. Philip looked over the faces of his classmates and unfortunately recognized none of them aside from the blonde girl who had invited him. Her name was definitely Beth, and once they made eye contact he cracked what he hoped was a sly smirk, and internally highfived himself when she bit her lip and looked away. Straight girls were way too easy. _

_ Moving on he assessed that the kids were all pretty attractive, which meant he had somehow landed at a Cool Kid’s Party, but his gaze was caught on one guy in particular. He was blonde, with sharp grey eyes that caused him to swallow unconsciously. He had a strong jaw and cheekbones that he couldn’t stop looking at. Eventually the girl next to the other boy cleared her throat, and everyone turned to her. _

_ “So… You must be Philip?” She asked warmly. He nodded slowly, stepping more into the room. There was a couch to his left that was unoccupied, so he sat down and took off his hoodie. The girl seemed encouraged by his response, and started to list off the people in the room. _

_ “Well I’m Rose, next to me is Lukas, you know Beth,...” She continued, but Philip tuned her out. He looked at the blonde boy, Lukas, again, and appreciated the fact that he was looking back at him. _

\--

Lukas eventually wandered back to his friends after going in search of a treat for the collie. He learned that her name was Chess after asking Beth about it, and found the name fitting. Their talk was interrupted by someone knocking on the door and consequently stepping inside. 

At first, Lukas only glanced at the newcomer. He figured it was probably one of the lesser known kids from around town. The boy’s costume was mediocre at best; hastily drawn on whiskers and simple black cat ears. Though it was, in hindsight, not much better than Lukas’ own. 

Only when Rose questioned the new boy, did Lukas get a good look at Philip. His breath immediately caught in his throat, very much a deer-in-headlights. He’d expected mousy brown hair and a bad complexion; what he was seeing was the complete opposite. Dark, chocolate locks were carefully parted down the side and swept around perfect ears. His skin was fair, almost as pale as Lukas’ own. And his jaw? Shit, Lukas had never seen anything as sharp. He looked a little slight, but not frail. He was staring, stupidly and obviously, at this gorgeous boy.

Lukas watched as Philip took a seat, removing his hoodie in the process. His gaze flicked to the brunette’s now revealed arms and he felt a blush warm the back of his neck. He only realized he was staring when he lifted his gaze and met Philip’s warm brown eyes.

Chills flew down Lukas’ spine when he realized he’d been caught staring. Lukas didn’t hold Philip’s gaze for long, averting his eyes to the side as he wrestled internally with himself. What the hell was this? Lukas busied himself with rolling up the sleeves to his flannel; it gave him something to look at aside from the brunette. 

He hadn’t experienced any of this when he’d met Rose - not even when he’d entertained the idea of kissing her. What the fuc-

His turmoil was cut short as Rose snapped her fingers in front of his face.

“Lukas? C’mon, we’re going outside to smoke.” She told him, stretching out her hand and waiting for him to take it. Shit, how long had he zoned out for? Had they noticed? Lukas took a quick scan of his friend’s expressions. No, no they hadn’t. He spared a glance towards Philip, noticing the brunette was still sitting. Fuck. 

“You know I hate that shit.” Lukas manages to reply, crossing his arms across his chest in defense. He paused  for a few moments, “Just- you go on ahead. I’ll be out in a few.” He relented, careful to keep his eyes off Philip as his classmates drifted towards the door.

Beth chose that moment to pounce on Philip. She touched his arm, smiling nervously as she questioned him. “Do you want to join us?” She tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, trying for a flirty look.

\--

_ Philip smiled wickedly once the attention was off of him, and drank in the way Lukas scanned his body. When the blonde snapped out of his daze and met his eyes again, Philip winked quickly and turned towards the other kids in the room so people wouldn’t notice the brief interaction between the two.  _

_ Unfortunately, the teens decided right as he had sat down that it was time to go outside, so he tried hard not to roll his eyes as Beth approached him. When her hand touched his arm his eyes darted down to it and up to her face before she tightened her grip. Internally he sighed. He smiled back half heartedly and nodded in response to her question. _

_ He shrugged his hoodie back on and stood up, only turning around to look at Lukas again after gently placing his hand on her lower back. _

_ “Are you sure you don’t want to come?” He asked, the cocky grin from earlier back on his face, and one eyebrow raised. _

\--

As Beth began talking with Philip, Rose retracted her hand with a sigh and tossed her hair over her shoulder. She was about to ask Lukas if he really wanted to stay, but Philip beat her to it. 

Philip’s voice brought Lukas’ attention back to the brunette. He watched the boy’s lips as he spoke, and unconsciously licked his own. Lukas clenched his jaw as he took in Philip’s cock-sure expression. Fucking unbelievable. With a moody shrug he turned and retrieved his own coat from the entry-way of the house and back-tracked to the doors leading out back.

He quickly shimmied into his denim jacket and stepped outside, coming to stand next to Rose. His breath turned to fog as he breathed - rather harshly, given that the air around him was already thick with cigarette smoke - and glanced around at the other teens from Red Hook. 

“So, Philip, What’s it like living in the city?” It was then that Rose chose to speak up, leaning against Lukas in a way that made it impossible for him to not put his arm around her shoulders. His lips formed a straight line, his thoughts still on the way Philip made him feel. He definitely hadn’t had that reaction when he’d met any other guy before - maybe he was just drunk? Lukas frowned, his palms sweaty as he glanced at Philip.

\--

_ As they made their way back outside, Philip idly rubbed his thumb on Beth’s lower back. He obviously wasn’t at all interested in her, but he was bored and this would be at the very least be entertaining. The gentle movement caused her to turn and look at him with a blush on her face. She batted her eyelashes and giggled, twirling a piece of hair in between her manicured fingers. _

_ He turned away from her as she moved closer to him, and instead took in the walls around him. There were family photos lining the hallway back to the door, and he could make out a perfect nuclear family smiling back at him in the many frames. Involuntarily he cringed. _

_ “Is something wrong?” Beth asked kindly, pulling her arms close to her chest as the wind from outside drifted through the hallway. _

_ “Nah” He said boredly, retracting his arm and placing his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. The brunette walked a little faster, suddenly eager to be away from her. _

_ Once outside he pulled a cigarette out of the pack some kid named Tommy offered to him. He lit the end and took a heavy drag, letting the smoke drift out of his nose before he exhaled out the rest. Philip was so focussed watching the tendrils unfurl and twist in the air that he didn’t notice someone had addressed him until Rose repeated her question. _

_ “Oh, sorry.” He startled slightly, clenching and swallowing again. In the moment he had to conjur up some kind of non-heartbreaking story from his life in a shoebox apartment with a drug-addicted mother, and panic coursed through his veins.  _ Something cool, something cool. _ He thought to himself. _

_ “It’s uh, not that exciting really. There’s a lot of noise and people. To be honest, it’s kind of nice being away from all of that.” He laughed and looked at her with sincerity in his eyes, but internally was far from amused. He was lying, obviously, being stuck in some hick town that somehow was as conservative as the deep south with a bunch of random rich kids wasn’t his idea of a good time. _

_ He missed the late night adventures in the middle of the city, where the only thing that lit up the night was Times Square and the street lights that flickered if you watched them long enough. He missed sneaking into Central Park and smoking weed with people who didn’t ask shitty questions about your past, because everyone had demons they wanted to swallow. The people in front of him didn’t know any of that. All they knew was money and open fields of… Nothing. _

_ His thoughts must have darkened his face, and he felt a light shove at his shoulder from Beth next to him. She looked worried, and he mustered up the best smile he could, shaking his head and laughing again. _

_ “Like I said, pretty boring. What about this place? Any crazy antics like cow tipping or whatever you country kids do to have fun?” Philip said light heartedly, hoping he could move the topic off of himself. He felt like he was under a microscope. All of these kids knew each other and were comfortable with living in nowhereland. He was a dirty city kid to them, and probably always would be. It was best to be on their good side. _

\--

Lukas watched as Philip thought, realizing with a start that he recognized the brief flicker of terror that crossed his face before he answered. It was a look he saw almost every time he looked in a mirror at home after a conversation with his dad. Seeing such a look on Philip made Lukas' gut clench in a sickening way. 

Rose nodded, eagerly listening to Philip talk about the city and his time there. She nestled herself against Lukas' chest, making the blonde shift his weight slightly to accommodate her. The smile she directed at Philip as he answered her was polite, if a little fake. 

Lukas cleared his throat as Beth nudged Philip to get his attention, trying to distract himself from the odd feeling of discomfort he felt when she touched the brunette. It wasn’t even anything more than a brief touch, yet it cause a jolt to go through Lukas' body just the same. 

At Philips next question, Rose brightened considerably. "Well, Lukas is into Motocross!" She beamed, grinning up at said blonde. When she mentioned his name, Lukas frowned and felt the tips of his ears burn in embarrassment. "He actually has a competition coming up. He's totally going to win~" She added haughtily, as if it was her own accomplishment.

\--

_ When Rose brought the conversation back to Lukas, Philip stared the blonde down, assessing his reaction. He took in the discomfort and blush on the blonde’s face and filed it away in his brain to think about later. In the meantime he nodded and tried to look interested as he sat down on one of the wicker couches on the porch. _

_ “So that must be your bike out front, yeah?” He pressed, trying to get Lukas to look at him again. There was something stirring in the other boy’s mind that Philip wanted to bring out. He could tell when someone else was into him, but Lukas seemed to be struggling with it.  _

_ Beth eyed him curiously at his sudden change in mood. He had gone from seemingly bored and disinterested to leaning forward with his forearms on his thighs, his head tilted slightly as well. She placed her hand on his shoulder and sat down beside him, cuddling against his jacket for warmth regardless of the fact she barely knew him. Philip put his arm around her to distract her, and it worked. The girl hummed and rested her head on his shoulder. _

_ Once she was comfortable against him he went back to levelling with Lukas, making sure his gaze was hard enough that the boy wouldn’t look away so easily. The cigarette he lit lay forgotten between his fingers. _

\--

Despite his initial embarrassment at Rose bringing up his bike, Lukas felt pride well up in his chest. Usually, he was loathe to bring up Motocross with his friends; they didn’t have much of an interest in the sport. So hearing Rose talk about it with such warmth made him happy.

With his newfound confidence boost from hearing his favorite thing in the world be talked about with such praise, he let his gaze drift to Philip’s. Now that his mind had something to focus on aside from his confusing feelings, he felt more at ease. 

“Yeah, you noticed?” He replied, mirroring Philip’s cocky expression from earlier that evening; eyebrow raised and lips curved into a smirk. It was then that Beth made her move, settling herself against Philip’s side without a care in the world. A small pang of jealousy crept up the back of Lukas’ neck, and his smirk fell. 

“You should watch me ride sometime.” The blonde suggested, trying to regain his bravado from before. He busied himself with shifting his arm to wrap around Rose’s back and let his hand rest on her waist, his gaze still caught in Philip’s intense one.

\--

_ Philip’s eyes narrowed slightly at the change in Lukas’ tone. He wasn’t sure when this had turned into some kind of kinky powerplay, but if it meant he could stare at the blonde without being judged he was all for it. Beth was darting her eyes back and forth between them, confusion furrowing her brow. He rubbed his hand down her arm to distract her, and smirked when she relaxed instantly. _

_ “It’s kind of hard to notice a little bike in a crowd of fancy cars, but I managed to pick up on it.” Philip chuckled as he leaned forward a little more, smiling wider. He was used to boys backing down or shutting him up, not playing with him. At the very least it was fun, and he would enjoy it while he could. The banter was refreshing, if not enticing.  _

_ He bit his lip and worried it between his teeth at the offer, and leaned back with a shrug. Philip adopted his earlier passive expression and finally looked away from Lukas. _

_ “Why not. If you’re as good as Rose says you are, it shouldn’t be a complete waste of my time.” He teased, tilting his head to rest it on his free hand. _

\--

Rose frowned, clearly uncomfortable with how things were turning out. Tommy and Tracy were preoccupied, and the other four or so people had moved further on down the yard, talking amongst themselves.

Lukas bit back his reply with a clench of his jaw, visibly angered by Philip’s retort. Despite his fair looks, this kid apparently had a mouth on him. Before he could say, or do, anything stupid, Rose spoke up.

“Hey, guys, knock it off. This is a party, not a cock show.” She pursed her lips, giving the pair of them her fiercest look of ‘I mean business’. Which, in retrospect, wasn’t very fierce at all.

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, Rose.” Lukas muttered after a pause, finally leveling her with his gaze after being freed from Philip’s. 

‘ _ I’m not nearly drunk enough for this. _ ’ He thought, snaking his arm back to his side and away from Rose. He motioned towards the house with his hand, relaying that he was going to get more booze and that he’d be back. 

Once inside the house, Lukas was immediately enveloped in fake fog and pounding bass. After making his way into the kitchen, he let out a breath and leaned against the counter.  

Hoping to forget the rest of the evening, Lukas set about opening a can of cheap beer and nursed it. ‘ _ Damnit, what’s wrong with me tonight? _ ’ Thought the blonde, pressing the palm of his hand to his forehead as he tried to curb his frustration.

\--

_ Philip chuckled, trying to cover it with his hand at Rose’s attempt to be intimidating, along with her choice of words. He watched Lukas turn in on himself, submitting to her command like he was a chastised puppy. Pathetic. _

_ He had started to relax again when Lukas stood and made his way across the porch and through the door back into the house. The brunette watched him go, internally debating whether or not to follow him. His mind was made up when Rose brought back her cutesy demeanor and started into a story about some kid in her art class. _

_ Slowly he disentangled himself from Beth and when she looked at him quizzically he just smiled softly and said, “I’ll be right back, I’m gonna grab a drink too.” _

_ She squinted at him for a moment before nodding, following him with her gaze as he started towards the door. _

_ “Philip.” She started, and he turned to face her with his eyebrows raised. _

_ “The liquor is on the cabinet to the left of the fridge.” The blonde cracked a mischievous smile as she said it, and Philip laughed genuinely for the first time all night. Even though there was no way in hell he would ever be involved with her, he could definitely see them being friends if she showed this side more often. _

_ Philip made his way through the hallway and passed the living room. It was only once he was standing in front of three doors that he actually didn’t know where the kitchen was. After nervously staring at the doors he picked the middle one at random, opening it to discover that it was indeed the kitchen, and leaning against counter was Lukas clutching a beer a little tighter than necessary. Instead of announcing his presence immediately he leaned against the doorframe and watched the other boy’s Adam’s apple bob as he took hurried gulps from the can.  _

_ Philip waited until he was done before speaking up, _

_ “Beth said the good shit’s in the cabinet.” He announced, pushing himself straight up once more and heading towards the side of the room where Lukas was, which was conveniently near the aforementioned cabinet by the fridge. _

\--

Just as Lukas was placing the empty can of beer on the counter, Philip’s voice sounded behind him. The blonde lowered his hand, turned and narrowed his eyes at the brunette as he waltzed into the room like nothing had happened - like nothing was wrong. He wasn’t - couldn’t - be that guy. He’d heard the rumors around school, and maybe they were right. Maybe it was okay for Philip to be that guy, but Lukas had been taught otherwise.

Hurt and confused, Lukas’ hands curl into fists reflexively at the rise in his temper. He shifted his weight as Philip got closer, and when he was a few feet away, Lukas made a grab for the brunettes hoodie and twisted their positions. He dragged Philip over and crowded him against the cabinet he’d been walking towards. His movements were clumsy, jerky. Later, he would blame the alcohol, but really it was his nerves.

He had tried so hard to cast Philip from his thoughts throughout the night. It was ridiculous - he couldn’t remember the last time he wasn’t thinking about this piece of shit brunette. 

“Where the fuck do you get off acting like this?” Lukas sneered, his face inches from Philips own. His breathing was quick and light, his pre-fight adrenaline running high.

“Like you don’t…” He trailed off and swallowed thickly, trying to figure out the words to say.  _ Like you don’t hate yourself for this. _

\--

_ Philip raised his eyebrows as Lukas’ hands curled into fists, and his confidence faltered for a moment. This guy was hot and all, but he was also a solid 5 inches taller than him and he didn’t think Helen and Gabe would appreciate him coming home from his first party with a black eye. As soon as Lukas had his hands on him he submitted, letting himself be pressed against the counter. If he wasn’t 80% sure he was about to get hit he probably would have been into it. _

_ Ignoring the panic clawing its way up his throat he tried to deviate the conversation to a more playful ground. He took in Lukas’ words and mulled over options in his head. Perhaps something non-lifethreatening could come from this. Hooking up with the handsome blonde was a lot more appealing than having his skull bashed against the counter. _

_ In the moments of his internal anxiety attack, he let Lukas study his features, and he appreciated the way his stormy grey eyes flickered over his face to drink everything in, but at the same time kept finding their way back to his lips. Eventually his tipped his head to the side and used one hand to cover the other boy’s tight grip on his shirt in an effort to relax it. _

_ “If you want to know how I get off you’ll have to take me out to dinner first.” He said casually, smirking and internally hi-5ing himself. Philip squeezed the hand that held Lukas’ and rubbed his thumb over the skin covering his knuckles. This was the moment where he was either about to die or get to kiss a really hot guy, and his heartbeat sped up accordingly. _

_ As he waited for a response he let his own gaze drift down to Lukas’ lips, licking his own briefly before jutting his chin out and inching closer to the other. _

\--

Lukas was startled out of his thoughts by the soft caress of Philip’s thumb against his knuckles and his response. His gaze raked itself over the brunettes face, stalling at either his eyes or his lips. His grip on Philip’s shirt-front faltered, his hands twitching with uncertainty as his temper sputtered out. He’s pretty sure his brain short-circuited when it actually registered Philip’s reply. Fuck, he liked this kid’s mouth. He sucked in a breath to try and steel his nerves, but only succeeded in drinking in Philip’s scent. If he wasn’t already intoxicated, he sure as hell would be after that. 

Lukas slowly bridged the gap between their faces, his head tilting to the side slightly to accommodate Philip’s. The first press of his lips against the shorter boy’s was brief, hesitant. But as Philip kissed him back, it was like a dam broke inside Lukas and he let himself take.

The blonde surged forward, his kisses becoming less gentle. His right hand drifted up and he splayed his fingers across Philip’s neck, his thumb pressing softly against his pulse point. His lips twitched into something resembling a smile as he realized that the brunettes heart was racing just as fast as his own. Kissing was something he was familiar with, something he knew he was good at. It was different, though, with a guy. Where he’d been afraid to push - to demand - with Rose, he found that Philip was definitely ok with it.

\--

_ When Lukas’ lips first brushed Philip’s he felt like someone dumped cold water over his head. Involuntarily he chased his lips, and only relaxed when they connected again.  _

_ Lukas’ hand on his neck was still cold from the outside, but the contact sent warmth radiating through his body. He used one hand to cup the blonde’s jaw and the other to tangle in his hair. The kiss got heavier and he pulled at the hair between his fingers teasingly as he spread his lips and slid his tongue into the other’s mouth. It was getting sloppy and everything was moving way too fast but he could taste the beer Lukas had drank alongside something else he couldn’t get enough of. _

_ Philip pulled away to take some heavy, panting breaths before leaning forward again to nibble at Lukas’ bottom lip. He took it between his teeth and pulled at it, releasing it after it moment and grinning wickedly. Still holding a fistful of his hair he tilted the other boy’s head and looked up at him through his eyelashes. _

_ “‘s that the first time you ever kissed a boy?” Philip asked coyly, licking his lips again and leaving them open slightly as a subtle invitation.  _

\--

Lukas kept his hand against Philip’s neck, slowly rubbing his thumb across the others sharp jaw in a mimicry of Philip’s earlier caress. He let out a small noise of pleasure as the brunette tugged at his hair, letting Philip gain easy access to slip his tongue in. He responded in kind, letting his tongue press and slide against Philip’s.

Wet noises soon filled the space around them, drowned out by the heavy music coming from the living room. Lukas’ eyes had slid shut somewhere between their second and fifth kiss, but they opened as Philip drifted away. He hadn’t realized how light-headed he’d become until he was greedily sucking in air through his teeth. His eyes glossed over with arousal as Philip bit at his bottom lip, causing one of Lukas’ knees to jerk forward and nestle itself between the shorter boys thighs. 

Lukas’ breath caught in his throat as Philip tilted his head askew by his hair, an embarrassing, clipped whine rising from his throat. He’d never thought he’d be in to hair pulling, if he was being honest with himself.

“Shut up, you know it is.” Lukas muttered, chasing after Philip’s kiss-red lips with his own. The next few kisses were chaste; simple, Now that Lukas had begun, he never wanted to stop. His other hand slipped down to Philip’s waist and slid between his hoodie and shirt, his hand grasping at the brunettes side and playing with the hem of his shirt. Kissing was one thing, but touching - that was something Lukas had to work up to.

\--

_ Philip giggled, still dizzy from the kiss and easily amused by the pink coating Lukas’ cheeks. His eyes lit up with wonder at the noise that came from the boy’s mouth. He pulled a little harder so he could attach his lips to Lukas’ neck. The brunette nibbled at the skin there, just enough to cause a sharp pain but not leave a mark. He trailed his mouth up and dug his teeth into the spot right underneath his ear before dragging his tongue over the spot almost in apology. _

_ When he felt the pressure of Lukas’ thigh against his crotch, he fought every urge to rock against it, and instead stepped away a little bit. He took his hand out from his hair and used it to guide the other boy’s fingers away from his waist. He smiled warmly as he entwined their fingers and held his hand tightly. _

_ “I’m glad I could be your first then.” He was still grinning at Lukas, both of their eyes still hazy and out of focus. His heart slowed down to a more calm rate, and for a minute he just looked over his features, waiting for some kind of harsh reality to crash through the dream-like state they were in. _

_ He swallowed harshly as the gravity of the situation fell onto his shoulders, and for the first time all night he felt shy and almost vulnerable. Philip stepped further away and looked into Lukas’ eyes properly, making sure the other boy was looking at him when he spoke next. _

_ “Will this be the first of more?” He asked, trying to push down the worry making his chest heavy. _

\--

Lukas grunted as Philip bit down on the junction between his ear and neck, then let out a sigh as the shorter boy dragged his tongue across the spot to soothe the sting. When Philip inched back and untangled his hand from Lukas’ limp hair, only to lace their fingers together, the blonde frowned in dazed confusion. 

It all made sense when he heard Philip’s words, and he hummed in reply, still processing what had just happened. His eyes took in the now-smudged eyeliner making up Philip’s cat whiskers, an amused smile lighting up his face. His gaze lingered on the brunettes features, taking in his sharp jaw and expressive eyes. 

Once he had enough time for his arousal to simmer down, Lukas’ mind began to wander. When it dawned on him what exactly he’d just done, the blonde immediately recoiled. He jerked his hand back like he’d been burned, his eyes dancing across Philip’s form. Shit, this wasn’t supposed to happen. It couldn’t happen.

Philip then asked, hope thick on his tongue, if there was a chance this could happen again. Despite not wanting to stop, Lukas knew he should never have started. Did he actually want this? 

“I can’t-“ He paused, his mind going a mile a minute. He ran a desperate hand through his hair, messing up the part. His entire world felt off balance, tilted. The blonde anxiously watched Philip, choosing his next words.

“No one is going to know about this, because you’re not going to tell them.” Lukas’ stormy blue gaze bore into Philip’s own dark one, trying to convey all of his insecurities with just a look. He needed time, but he wasn’t sure Philip had the patience to wait for him.

\--

_ When Lukas ripped their hands apart and stepped back Philip let out a sigh and rolled his eyes. He stifled the pain the curled in his stomach at the rejection, but the logical side of his brain had seen it coming from a mile away. Of course he was another closet case. _

_ While part of him felt bad that the other was going through some kind of world-ending sexuality crisis, he also wasn't in the mood to be someone's dirty little secret. He had been through enough the past few years, and on bad days all he had left was his dignity. _

_ He levelled with Lukas, and weighed his options. He wasn't sure whether it was a threat or a plea, but he had decided earlier in the night that he wanted to go home uninjured. _

_ "Whatever dude, this is your problem not mine." Philip said, regaining his aloof composure. Without looking back at the blonde still shaking slightly in the kitchen, he wandered back out the door. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip’s last words to Lukas hadn’t left the blonde; they echoed around him every time he spotted the brunette around town, or in school. They followed him to bed, and were the first things he heard in the morning. He knew the anger and frustration he felt was towards himself, but that didn’t stop him from being moody towards everyone else. The obvious bags under his eyes didn’t help, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyye chapter 2! thank you guys so much for the kudos and comments, its all really appreciated. as always follow [me](http://jaydenwithcon.tumblr.com) and [jamie](http://hislivinglegacy.tumblr.com) on tumblr if you want. this fic has a [post](http://jaydenwithcon.tumblr.com/post/152702167214/) if you want to reblog! enjoy.  
> tw: graphic hand holding

_ The drawl of Philip’s English teacher’s voice was lulling the brunette to sleep, but every few minutes when his head drifted a little too close to his desk he jolted awake. He had only been in this class for 20 minutes of the 90 minute block, but it felt like decades. To distract himself from the boring lecture, he turned his head to scan the window. Every day he made sure to get to his classes early so he could snag a seat with a view of the outdoors. _

_ It was gorgeous outside. Autumn was his favourite time of year, and looking out over the fields surrounding Red Hook he could spot orange leaves glowing in the sun. In the city there were far fewer trees, so he had never truly experienced watching the leaves change. They were bright and extravagant, but beautiful in a way that made him feel calm. He itched for the cold wind freezing his fingers and the tip of his nose. Really, he just wanted to be out of this stuffy and overheated building. _

_ As he thought about it, he shrugged out of his signature leather jacket that was covered in patches. It was getting far too warm in the cramped classroom, and it was probably a key reason why he was falling asleep in his desk. He busied himself with folding it and placing it gently under his chair, as if it would break or tear somehow on the smooth linoleum floors. _

_ He continued to stare out the window for the rest of class, idly tapping the eraser of his pencil against the notebook paper underneath his hand. If he hadn’t already read the book they were studying, perhaps he would have paid attention. Philip had to admit he was pleasantly surprised that a hick school stuck in nowhereland had chosen a book with such blatant queer undertones.  _ A Separate Peace  _ wasn’t blatantly homosexual, but it was impossible to avoid the fact that there was some kind of… Something between the two boys. _

_ Idly, he wondered what his peers would think if the teacher did a proper analysis of their relationship, and more importantly: what Lukas would think about it. _

\--

As the weather grew colder, Lukas’ demeanor turned more sour. He tried to tell himself that it was only the weather; that he got like this every winter. But logically he knew it was a lie. Philip’s presence completely unnerved the blonde after Beth’s Halloween party, leaving him feeling vulnerable and fake. Remaining aloof and sometimes even snarky towards the brunette at school wasn’t a problem; Philip had a sharp wit, and he wasn’t afraid to show it. It was keeping the brunette from his thoughts at home that was the problem.

Every evening since the party, Lukas had struggled with his thoughts. They insulted and mocked him; he was disgusting and wrong for feeling this way. It was immoral, against everything he’d been taught and brought up to believe. His father would never understand; he barely understood his son on regular, teenage things. The only reason Bo allowed Lukas to race and own a dirt bike was because Lukas took care of the repairs and necessary payments himself.

Philip’s last words to Lukas hadn’t left the blonde; they echoed around him every time he spotted the brunette around town, or in school. They followed him to bed, and were the first things he heard in the morning. He knew the anger and frustration he felt was towards himself, but that didn’t stop him from being moody towards everyone else. The obvious bags under his eyes didn’t help, either. 

Hunkered down in his seat, Lukas had a perfect view of the back of Philip’s head. His desk was behind the brunette’s, giving him the ability to stare, unabashed by his worries of being caught. if anyone asked, he had simply zoned out. No one would blame him, given the novel they’d been required to study. Lukas had read the spark notes summary, as usual. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy learning; he just didn’t have the time. Every free moment he had was dedicated to either Motocross or his bike in general. 

Currently, he was boring a hole into the back of the brunette’s skull, biting at the inside of his cheeks. His gaze traveled along Philip’s back as he shrugged out of his jacket. Watching the shifting of his muscles, Lukas shifted in his seat and crossed his arms across his chest. He tipped his seat back, stretching out his long legs and tapping the edge of his boot against one of the legs of Philip’s chair. He followed Philip’s gaze out of the window adjacent to their seats, raising an eyebrow at the brunette a few seconds later. There wasn’t anything special about the view from their classroom; just the usual open school grounds. 

After the bell sounded for them to leave English, Lukas stood and stretched, loath to leave the warm classroom. A soft, manicured hand then touched his shoulder, causing him to turn to his left and discover who it belonged to. Rose, of course. Lukas had been so invested in Philip that he hadn’t registered that Rose had sat beside him that day, probably eager to try and get his attention. Obviously, she’d failed. She moved her hand down and smoothly linked her arm with Lukas’ as she all but dragged him out of the classroom and into the hallway. 

“So, what did you think of the book?” She questioned them both, waving and smiling as she greeted Philip, who had just retrieved his jacket from under his chair and had made his way outside as well.

Lukas rarely saw the brunette without it, come to think of it. It was a nice jacket; the leather looked worn and comfortable, not unlike the material of Lukas’ boots. “It was- It was ok. Kind of predictable, wasn’t it?” Lukas bullshitted, drawing his gaze back to Rose and keeping it on her. If he was going to convince himself that he could deal with this - could deal with having feelings for a boy, he had to man up and bite the bullet.

\--

_ Philip had initially ignored the tapping against the leg of his chair. It was hard to tell that it was happening at all, but since the night of the Halloween Incident _ ™  _ as he had dubbed it, he had unconsciously become hyperaware of everything Lukas did. When it was something within a 5 foot radius of him, it was amplified. _

_ He began to cast a glare over his shoulder but as soon as he noticed the blonde was eyeing him he changed his mind, a smile sneaking onto his lips. Perhaps he wasn’t the only one still thinking about that night. _

_ When the bell rang he jumped slightly, having momentarily forgotten where he was. He bent down to start shoving his belongings into his bag when Lukas stood and started walking by. Shamelessly he watched the boy walk by, giving him a once-over from the back. His smile grew wider, and he grabbed his stuff and jogged after him and Rose. She was clinging to his arm like a life ring, and he rolled his eyes after making sure no one was looking at him. The fact that she couldn’t pick up on Lukas’ blatant lack of interest would be worrying if he cared about her at all. Rose was nice and everything, but she was also a main factor keeping him from jumping the blonde boy in the middle of the hallway. He was a sucker for boys in flannel. _

_ They strode through the hallways together, and Philip tried to smother the unease that built inside of him at the double-takes he was getting. The fact that the new kid was hanging out with Lukas Waldenbeck and his popular girlfriend was apparently mindboggling to the students of Red Hook, and an anxious chuckle fell from his lips as he received a particularly hostile glare from a group of juniors.  _

_ He looked sharply at Rose once she spoke, and debated the honesty of his answer. Lukas’ response made him snort, and he ignored the confused look he got from Rose when he did it. This was way too easy. _

_ “I don’t know, man, I thought it was pretty ballsy putting two obviously queer male characters in a book written in the early 60s.” He stated confidently, making sure to keep looking straight ahead and not lock eyes with the blonde. Philip kept his voice down to avoid onlookers hearing the conversation, because this wasn’t about them (or Rose for that matter), this was a conversation that had become exclusive. _

_ “I mean, pretty much every serious reader who’s read it can accept the fact that Finny is gay. Aside from the pink shirt he wears so… Flamboyantly, there’s no mistaking the chemistry between himself and Gene.” He paused, finally sparing a glance in Lukas’ direction. “He’s practically throwing himself at him.” _

\--

Clearly uncomfortable with Rose’s friendly attitude towards Philip, Lukas extracted his arm from her grasp and ran a nervous hand through his hair. Rose looked expectantly at Lukas as Philip answered, oblivious to the wound inside Lukas that Philip’s words were creating. His answer stunned Lukas into silence and caused him to avert his gaze from Rose and let it drift around them at the group of juniors that were glaring at Philip.

Shit, people were staring. He felt trapped, his gaze flickering from student to student as his vision narrowed and finally focused on Philip’s smaller frame. His eyebrows drew together and his shoulders turned stiff, panic settling like a stone in his stomach. People were going to find out if Philip kept talking the way he was, and Lukas was the only one close enough to stop him. 

Something snapped inside Lukas. With a growl, he took a fistful of the brunette’s shirt around his chest and pulled him close, his lips inches from Philip’s ear.

“Is this some kind of joke to you?” Lukas hissed, his gaze unable to settle on one person around them for very long. Despite being the aggressor, his stance was defensive, shoulders hunched and voice low. His attraction to Philip terrified him, almost more than he feared being outed. 

He roughly shoved the other away before returning his gaze to the aforementioned juniors, taking in their amused expressions. Cold sweat prickled at the back of Lukas’ neck as he let out a nervous chuckle before he curled his hand into a fist and swung at Philip’s face. The blow connected with Philip’s jaw, causing Lukas’ knuckles to sting from the contact. Before the brunette was able to recover, Lukas tackled him and pinned him against the spread of lockers to their left. Rose let out a startle yelp, quickly stepping back to avoid the two. 

“Lukas!” She protested, her hand flying to her mouth as the blonde continued to roughly handle Philip.

\--

_ Rose nodded her head eagerly as Philip explained his point, and her mouth opened so she could respond right as Lukas suddenly surged forward. The second the blonde’s hand curled into his shirt, it felt like the world stopped turning. Philip’s coy grin fell from his face instantly, and felt cold fear creep from his chest through his bloodstream. He had pushed too far, and misjudged just how much this was fucking with the other boy. _

_ He put his hands up, palm open and facing Lukas to show that he was completely submitting to him. The words hissed into his ear made him swallow dryly, and panic began to roll deep within his abdomen. He messed up big time. _

_ Before he could answer the question, and he probably couldn’t have constructed an acceptable one given the situation, he was shoved away. He exhaled immediately, ready to put back together the forgotten conversation, when a fist hit his jaw and he collided with the wall of lockers behind him. The worst pain wasn’t even where Lukas had punched him, it was a tie between his heart freezing over in shame and the back of his skull being bashed into cold metal. _

_ When Lukas was on him again, shoving him harder into the wall, he just looked at him with the fear and rejection that was clouding over his gaze. All of the cocky smacktalk and air of aloofness fell out of his system, and he sunk to the floor as Lukas’ hands loosened on his arms. _

_ He merely sat on the ground in a pathetic lump and stared straight ahead, ignoring the nervous chatter of the students around him along with the calls for a proper fight. It wasn’t worth getting hurt, and hitting back would only make him the bad guy. He hadn’t done anything wrong, and when a teacher came up and put a hand on his shoulder, crouching down to be eye level with him, he couldn’t hear what she said. The pounding in his head only worsened and he shut his eyes, leaning against the lockers in an attempt to ease the pain. _

_ After a few more shakes of his shoulder he opened his eyes and the world came a little more into focus. _

_ “-lip? Philip? That’s your name, right?” The teacher asked nervously. He nodded, slowly regaining his senses. Fuck, Lukas had hit him harder than he thought. _

_ Lukas. Lukas had hit him. _

_ His head shot up quickly, and the pain that shocked through his system following the sharp movement made him grunt. He looked at the teacher confusedly and she smiled at him weakly. _

_ “I’m gonna walk you to the nurse, is that alright?” She questioned in a motherly tone. _

_ Philip nodded again, looking around to see the other boy but giving up when his head hurt too bad to focus on any of the surrounding faces being shuffled away to their classes. He stood shakily with the teacher, Ms. Brown if he remembered correctly, and walked slowly towards the Nurse’s office. _

\--

When he realized Philip wasn’t going to fight back, Lukas’ grip loosened on his shoulders. He watched the brunette slide to the floor, looking dazed and incoherent. The area of his jaw where Lukas had struck was already turning red. Lukas’ hands trembled at his sides, shock washing over him. He took in a few ragged breaths, trying to regain control over his emotions. He had been wild; reckless. Not things he ever wanted to be around Philip again, he realized. His heart dropped into his rolling stomach, his jaw clenching shut as he thought.

It was like he wasn’t able to move; the realization that he had put that expression on Philip’s face hurt him more than if Philip had hit back rooted him to the spot. Rose’s attempts to calm him went in one ear and out the other. Suddenly, there was a teacher and a larger group of the staff around them, breaking up what they thought to be a group attack against Philip. Lukas was ushered back, his feet running on autopilot. He checked his gaze towards the brunette, only to find him gone. 

What he did find, though, was Philip’s jacket. Rose had frowned at Lukas’ lack of response to her attempts to get through to him, and started relaying what had happened to a nearby teacher. Lukas took the opportunity to inch towards Philip’s forgotten jacket, his hand closing around the soft leather. Guilt immediately flooded through him, making him grip the jacket tightly. He bit his lip in thought as the hallway cleared, leaving Rose and himself left. She gave Lukas a disappointed look.

“What the hell was that, Lukas?” She pressed, coming over and putting her hand on his forearm. 

“Nothing- I just… got mad, I guess.” It was a lame excuse, the only one he could think of at the moment.

“You don’t- you wouldn’t understand.” He doubted it satisfied the girl, but he didn’t have time to think of a lie, let alone make it sound convincing. He closed his free hand over hers, giving it a half-hearted squeeze, hoping she realized he didn’t want to talk about it. She did. They stood in silence for a while, Lukas trying to piece himself back together, and Rose waiting for him. There had been a time when he thought he’d date her, and maybe even be happy with her. But then Philip had come crashing into their lives, and everything changed.

“You should go apologize to him.” Rose suggested, giving Lukas a small smile. It was clear that she wasn’t pleased with his outburst, didn’t understand it, but accepted it as something she couldn’t change. The blonde shrugged, shifting his hands around on Philip’s jacket. She pressed a kiss good-bye to Lukas’ cheek and made her way to her next class, leaving Lukas to decide.

\--

_ Philip couldn’t remember most of what happened after Lukas had hit him. All he knew was it was 20 minutes since his English class had ended and he was currently sitting in a chair in the nurse’s office. The walls were a soft yellow colour, and the white sheets of the beds pushed against the wall complemented the white table full of first aid gear underneath the expansive window. _

_ Now that his vision was clearer and the pain in his head had settled to a dull ache, he took in more of the room around him. He hadn’t been to the nurse yet, and he apparently was alone. There was a door to his right that was shut, and he assumed that was where the nurse’s desk was. He stood slowly and took a moment to steady himself before walking towards the door, ignoring the way the room spun slightly. He definitely had a concussion, and definitely didn’t want to tell Helen and Gabe about it. Finally he reached the door and turned the knob so he could walk into the waiting area. He squinted as more light flooded in from fluorescent lights, instead of just the sunlight that had drifted in from the window. For a moment everything was overwhelming and blinding, but it faded to a calm green room with a desk where a sturdy woman with curly brown hair sat. She hadn’t noticed him open the door, and he awkwardly shut it a little loudly so she looked up. _

_ Once they made eye contact a smile lit up her face, and she stood from her seat to walk over to him. Ms. Higgins, the plate on her desk named her, put a hand against his forehead (she had to stand up on her tip toes to reach him). _

_ “How do you feel, dear?” She asked kindly, her voice thankfully soft in the quiet room. _

_ Philip swallowed and thought about a genuine answer, weighing over his pain and overall anxiety at the time. _

_ “I’m okay.” He managed, trying to smile back weakly. Ms. Higgin’s smile left for a moment before she quickly regained it, nodding sharply and walking back to her desk. _

_ “Well, you’ve missed the start of your next period obviously, but honestly I’d like to send you home. You have a concussion and should go take it easy for the day. After you have a day of rest you should head to a proper doctor, and they’ll tell you and your parents-” _

_ “Foster parents.” Philip clarified without thinking about it. There was an awkward silence following his interjection, and the nurse gave him a concerned once over. Whoops. _

_ “Your… foster parents where to go from here.” She finished. _

\--

After some pacing outside of the nurse’s office, Lukas eventually got the guts to knock on the door. A middle-aged woman answered the door, a smile on her face. It fell when she recognized the blonde, her hands going to her hips in the worst attempt at looking intimidating that Lukas had ever seen.

“You! If you’re here to cause more trouble, young man, you had best turn around and forget about it.” The nurse, a Ms. Higgins scolded him, looking up at the teen sternly. 

Lukas flinched, gnawing at his bottom lip. He offered Philip’s jacket to her, his face pale as nerves settled in. 

“I wanted to- he dropped this.” He couldn’t decide on what to say, unsure if Philip was even still at the nurse’s office and hadn’t been sent home. He couldn’t have hit the brunette that hard, could he? Movement from behind the woman caused Lukas’ gaze to drift behind her, hoping to catch a glimpse of the brunette. Everything had become too complicated, almost unbearable, and he just wanted to forget about it all.

\--

_ The sound of Lukas’ voice made Philip’s entire body tense up. Even though every fiber of his being was screaming at him to run into the other room and slam the door shut so he wouldn’t be near the other boy again, a part of him wanted to hear what he said. _

_ He closed his eyes as he picked up the tone of concern while Lukas spoke, and when he heard the rustle of his jacket anxiously switch between the blonde’s hands he stepped forward. The nurse looked over her shoulder at him with a gleam in her eye that promised she would keep Lukas away from him if he wanted, but as soon as his eyes met Lukas’ he knew there was no way he could let her. Philip exhaled shakily, and gave Lukas a soft smile, taking a few more steps towards him and gingerly taking his jacket from his grasp. He turned around and nodded at Ms. Higgins so she would understand they could be left alone, and he breathed out again when she walked back into the other room to fiddle with her supplies. _

_ Once the door shut behind her Philip shrugged on his jacket and jutted his chin towards the hallway.  _

_ “Walk with me?” He asked, leaving the question obvious in his voice, but being sure that Lukas knew he could back out if he wanted to. When he looked at the taller boy he kept his smile, hoping he looked forgiving. _

\--

As Philip entered Lukas’ line of sight and smiled, Lukas’ grip on his jacket loosened and his heart plummeted. A dark purple bruise had blossomed across the brunette’s jaw line, almost reaching his cheekbone. He held his breath as Philip took back his jacket, making sure their hands didn’t touch with the exchange. He wasn’t - he couldn’t trust himself around the brunette anymore. Not after what he’d done. None of this would have happened before Philip showed up - why did he change everything? It confused the blonde to no end, the effect this boy had on him. He let out a shaky sigh and nodded to Philip’s suggestion to walk.

“I-I’m sorry. For hitting you.” Lukas started lamely, rubbing the back of his neck. He kept his voice low, just in case. Couldn’t have anyone hearing him apologize to Philip, right? His brow furrowed in frustration, wishing he could just escape from everyone’s prying eyes and be alone with the brunette.  

“You can’t say things like that. If anyone finds out…” He trailed off, gesturing vaguely with his hands. He watched Philip as they walked, his concern for the brunette building the closer they got to the school lobby. He kept quiet the rest of their walk, mulling over Philip’s reply. When they made their way out of Red Hook and over to the parking lot, Lukas wrung his hands nervously before he reached out and touched Philip’s forearm, his fingertips resting gently against the brunettes jacket.

“I could- Do you want a ride?” Lukas nodded towards his bike, hoping he hadn’t over-stepped a boundary with touching Philip so soon after being violent with him.

\--

_ Philip hummed thoughtfully as Lukas apologized, and shot the other boy a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. _

_ “I’m not gonna say it’s alright because it isn’t, but I understand.” He managed to get out, making sure he looked straight ahead as he talked. For some reason he didn’t think he could look the blonde in the eye right now. When Lukas reinforced his begging for Philip to stay silent his steps faltered, causing him to awkwardly trip a little bit. He straightened himself out and ignored the blush now dusting his cheeks. _

_ He’s not sure why he cared so much about Lukas not wanting people to find out about him. He had dealt with ‘straight boys’ before and didn’t give a shit that they wanted to turn them being gay into some kind of crisis. However, there was something about Lukas personally hiding him that made him feel… Rejected, in a way, though. It hurt, he couldn’t deny that. _

_ “Whatever makes you happy.” Philip responded a little too honestly. He swallowed afterwards and internally smacked himself for the heartfelt reply. He was probably being weird. _

_ When they arrived at the lot he squinted at the bright day light, and felt the pounding in his head start acting up again. He was so distracted by trying not to tear up that he jumped slightly when Lukas touched him. Acting on impulse he brought his own hand up to softly touch Lukas’, and he levelled with him. _

_ He tried to convey some kind of disappointment in his eyes, but he was too distracted by the rough feeling of Lukas’ calloused skin against his. His hands were nice, slightly larger than Philip’s and definitely tougher. He swallowed again. _

_ “I don’t think it’ll be good for my concussion.” The brunette said, tilting his head slightly for emphasis. Since they were alone in the parking lot he took his hand away from the other boy’s and instead reached out and loosely gripped his arm. He rubbed his thumb against the warm flannel there and smiled properly. _

_ “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He promised, walking back towards the school building to call someone to pick him up. _

\--

The gentle, almost not-there weight of Philip’s fingertips against his own made Lukas’ breath catch in his throat. It was dumb, that this simple touch could emotionally bring him to his knees. He took in a shaky breath and stared at Philip’s thin, bony wrists and let his gaze travel across his knuckles, taking in his smaller but more delicate hands. They weren’t calloused like Lukas’, hadn’t been made rough by the world. Lukas hoped they never would be.

Lukas’ expression turned somber at Philip’s rejection, but he knew it was irrational to blame the boy. He was the one who had hit Philip and given him a concussion, after all. Lukas cast his eyes towards the ground briefly as Philip’s hand pressed against his arm, finally letting himself smile at the touch from the other boy. He felt himself relax into the warmth from Philip’s hand, his own hands hanging limp at his sides. 

“See you tomorrow.” Lukas murmured, watching the brunette make his way back towards Red Hook. He let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair, his mind replaying the way their hands had touched over and over. It was such a simple gesture, but it meant something to Lukas. It meant that maybe Philip would forgive him, wouldn’t leave Lukas to figure this out on his own. The blonde turned on his heel and picked up his helmet by his bike, fastening it on quickly before swinging himself over his seat and settling down. The engine soon roared to life, blocking out even Lukas’ own thoughts. He always felt better when he rode, like he could just forget his problems for a while. Lukas walked the bike back before revving the engine again, knowing Philip could probably hear it, before speeding off towards the lake.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His mom had loved holidays. Every single one, even the ones that weren’t… really holidays; Labor day, Veteran’s day. She would always go all out to include Lukas and Bo in her celebrations, even if they pretended to be stereotypical men about it. She lit up a room, his mom. If you were sad, or just didn’t feel well enough to participate, she made you feel the opposite within a matter of seconds. But with her gone, holidays weren’t the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 3 is here and so iS THE SMUT >:) let me know via tumblr message if you want to know how to skip it in case it makes you uncomfortable  
>  thank you guys so much for the kudos and comments, its all really appreciated. as always follow [me](http://jaydenwithcon.tumblr.com) and [jamie](http://hislivinglegacy.tumblr.com) on tumblr if you want. this fic has a [post](http://jaydenwithcon.tumblr.com/post/152702167214/) if you want to reblog! enjoy.

His mom had loved holidays. Every single one, even the ones that weren’t… really holidays; Labor day, Veteran’s day. She would always go all out to include Lukas and Bo in her celebrations, even if they pretended to be stereotypical men about it. She lit up a room, his mom. If you were sad, or just didn’t feel well enough to participate, she made you feel the opposite within a matter of seconds. But with her gone, holidays weren’t the same. At first, Lukas had been angry and hurt; why couldn’t his mom have lived, didn’t she deserve to? He’d locked himself in his room for the first few years, resentment towards himself and his father keeping him away. Bo hadn’t known what to do - his wife had always been closer to Lukas. Had been the one he’d confide in, not his father. But now he was a single parent, responsible for not only his life, but his child’s. Bo didn’t understand, and had lashed out at his son when Lukas refused to explain. After that, Lukas just felt hollow, and the holidays became just another day of the week for the Waldenbecks.

Yet this Thanksgiving, Bo wanted to try something different. Lukas was older now; still a kid, but one able to make their own decisions and take on more responsibility. Bo wasn’t going to do anything extravagant; they only had a few turkey’s left after the annual shoot. When Lukas ventured downstairs, his earphones blaring out music loud enough for Bo to hear, the balding man frowned and crossed his arms, looking pointedly at his son. It took Lukas a few minutes of pattering about the living room to notice, but he eventually looked up from his phone and blinked at his father. This was… different. 

“Dad? What’s uh- what’s up?” Lukas questioned, tugging the earbuds out of his ears so he could converse with his father. Well, he’d try to. It wasn’t really a conversation with Bo. More of an order. His father sighed, un-crossing his arms and leaning back against the edge of the couch. 

“We’re having dinner this year, and you’re going to help me.” Bo replied in a tone that held no room for negotiation. Lukas’ expression blanked, completely caught off guard. His dad wanted to… actually celebrate Thanksgiving? With Lukas? 

“Is this some kind of joke?” Lukas chuckled, speaking before he thought. Listening to his music had calmed him, but not at the right time. Once he realized what he’d said, and who he’d said it to, he paled. Shit, his dad wasn’t going to like that.

“I-I mean, we haven’t had dinner together in years, Dad.” Lukas hastily continued, trying to regain his composure as Bo’s demeanor darkened. He shoved his phone in his back pocket, fumbling with his headphones until he could pocket those as well. His fathers gaze was unwavering, and he felt it.

“It’s not up for debate, son. Now go get your boots on, you’re in charge of shooting the turkey this year.” Bo commanded, glaring down at the blonde teen before him. Lukas backpedalled, shock plain on his face. 

“I’m not doing that.” The words were out before Lukas could stop them. His father growled and stepped up into Lukas’ space, only to grab his son by his arm and drag him over to the foyer adjacent to the living room. Lukas ducked his head, the move almost automatic to the teen. Bo shoved Lukas towards the front door, causing Lukas to catch the side of his face against the doorknob. The blonde sucked in a sharp breath at the sting, but scrambled to locate his boots. 

“M’gonna go get the guns. You better be ready when I get back.” Bo grunted, balling his hands into fists and uncurling them, like he couldn’t decide what to do with them. Receding, heavy footfalls told Lukas that his father had left to go find his hunting rifle.

Lukas’ hands shook with shock as he laced up his riding boots, cursing as he pressed a thumb to the cut on his eyebrow. It came back smeared with blood, but the blonde didn’t have time to worry about that. He hastily stood when he had his boots on, jerking the door open and stumbling out into the front lawn in search of his bike. After a few minutes of confused searching, he found it to the side of the house. He let out a breath and tugged his helmet on, hissing as it rubbed his hair into the wound above his eye. It took the teen a few tries to start his bike up, but once he did, his tires spun in his rush to leave. 

\--

_ His mom had loved holidays. It was one of the only times of the year where she fought to stay sober for longer than a few days, and Philip loved it more than any present in the world. She would be out of it from withdrawal and occasionally have to take breaks to vomit in the bathroom or sleep, but her words weren’t slurred and she would hold him tight. She told him stories about how much she loved the autumn and winter when she was younger, and how the holidays gave her hope for the next year. _

_ It turns out that Helen and Gabe loved the holidays as well, since the week before Thanksgiving they let him know over dinner that they would be spending the day together. Philip had smiled genuinely and something warm settled in his chest. He had been dreading this time of year since he would be away from his mom, but perhaps Helen and Gabe would make it worth it. _

_ When he awoke on the morning of Thanksgiving, he could smell something amazing in the kitchen. Obviously Gabe must be cooking, because there was no way Helen could make something that smelled that delicious. _

_ He got dressed hurriedly and trotted down the steps. Helen was setting the table and Gabe was pulling a turkey out of the oven. Confused, Philip looked at the clock above the door to find out he had slept until 3:30pm. He gasped and instantly looked to Helen, who only rolled her eyes and smiled. _

_ “Though we would have loved a little help, I figured after the day you had yesterday I would let you waste a few hours.” She smiled and winked. “Plus, now you get to have dinner for breakfast.” _

_ Philip just huffed out a laugh and sat down at the table, hurriedly grabbing food from the bowls around him and letting Gabe cut some turkey onto his plate. Yesterday he had gone straight to his room from school and had missed dinner, too busy moping and thinking into the early hours of the morning to eat. _

_ Helen told him as much as she could about the case she was working on, and Gabe spiced it up with jokes thrown in through his full mouth. Philip laughed harder than he had since he had arrived in Tivoli, and for a moment he felt like he was somewhere like home. _

\--

Lukas arrived at his dad’s cabin in record time, slowing down just enough to heave himself off the machine and let it fall to the ground and stall out. He reached up and clawed himself out of his helmet, taking in hasty gulps of air as he slumped against the cabin door. After sitting for a few minutes, his eyes glossy with unshed tears as he tried to regain some semblance of control over himself. With unsure hands, he dug his phone out of his pocket and sent a text to the one person he could. It was short, only one word, but he knew Philip would understand.

Philip.

\--

_ Philip was helping with the dishes when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He gentle placed the clean plate he had been drying off and wiped his hands before checking his texts. Since he didn’t really have any friends, he only had four conversations to choose from: Beth at the bottom, Gabe asking if he wanted a ride home, Helen asking if he wanted a ride home, and finally Lukas at the top. _

‘cabin’ _ it read, and Philip sighed heavily. Nervously, he eyed his foster parents and cleared his throat so they looked at him. _

_ “I wanted to go for a walk and get some pictures of the leaves changing. We never see it like this in the city,” He laughed, looking away and shrugging his shoulders. “I know it’s a holiday and all, but do you mind?” _

_ Helen levelled with him with her Interrogation Eyes (Gabe coined that term), and after sharing a glance with her husband she nodded. _

_ “As long as your head feels okay, I don’t mind. Just make sure you bike on the main roads so they’re not as bumpy. We’ll go to the clinic tomorrow to get it checked out.” She said, and Philip nodded in agreement immediately. _

_ He patted his pockets to make sure he had his phone and wallet, and without thinking about it gave Helen a quick hug. Before she could react he was out the door and on his bike, speeding away towards the Waldenbeck’s cabin. _

_ Regardless of him taking the main roads, the uneven pavement rattled his head to the point where every few minutes he had to stop, and once he got to the dirt path leading to the cabin he slowly dismounted from his bike and walked it towards the rickety building. He leaned it against the wall and stumbled into the cabin. _

_ He saw Lukas immediately, since it was a pretty small room. Without thinking he walked closer and had to stop himself from reaching out and touching him. His head was spinning and he kind of felt he was about to pass out. He could feel the blood leaving his head and even though it was a bad idea he collapsed into the other boy. _

\--

Lukas didn’t know how much time had passed since he’d contacted Philip, but within that time he’d made his way into his father’s cabin. Inside, it was musty and chilled. The blonde left the door open in his haste to get inside, his footfalls unsteady as he reached the small bed shoved into the middle of the small space. Why his father felt there needed to be a bed in the cabin by the lake was unknown to him - they weren’t that far from home. But now, Lukas welcomed the small amount of comfort it provided. He sat down heavily towards the headboard, dragging a spare blanket up and around his shoulders loosely to keep out the cold that seemed to sink into his bones. His left eyebrow throbbed in time with his heartbeat, but he could barely think beyond his want for Philip. 

Soft, unsteady footfalls alerted Lukas to Philip’s presence and the blonde looked up from his hands. Philip stood, wavering, in the doorway. The sight of Philip’s yellowing bruise left Lukas rooted to the spot, unable to move to greet the brunette. Regret and guilt washed over the blonde like a tide and he tentatively leaned back against his palms, the blanket he’d draped around his shoulders falling back. His stormy grey eyes followed Philip’s movements, unsure what to expect from the other boy. Violence, maybe, at being called without an explanation, after what he’d done yesterday? He watched as the brunette’s face paled and he stumbled forwards, landing hap-hazardously against himself. Surprise lit up Lukas’ face and he grunted at the impact, his hands coming up to grasp at Philip’s shoulders. 

He lowered the chocolate-haired teen to rest against the thin mattress on his side, uncertainty coursing through his veins.  He shifted, maneuvering Philip’s body so he was sprawled out along the bed, tucked against the inner wall of the cabin. Lukas glanced around the cabin, taking in the open door. Hastily, he scrambled out of the bed and shut it, sliding the lock into place after a few moments. He turned back towards Philip to find the brunette’s warm gaze leveled on him. The blonde stilled, staring back. He swallowed thickly before walking over and settling himself down alongside the brunette. He had to fold his legs a little at the knees to fit, but that just caused him to tangle their jean-clad legs together. 

Lukas reached forward, slowly, and ghosted his fingers against the discoloration on Philip’s face. Concern softened his expression, his gaze downcast as he watched the brunette’s chest rise and fall with even breaths. If he were honest with himself, he’d realize how at home he felt when he was with Philip. Cheesy to think, yes, but true nonetheless. He flicked his gaze back towards Philip’s face and sniffed, his emotions finally getting the better of him. Trying to shut them out, he did a quick assessment of the brunette’s frame and croaked out an insult.

“You look like shit.”

\--

_ The bed was warm under Philip since Lukas had been sitting there for a while. There were spots covering his vision and his head was pounding, but when he looked at Lukas the pain felt a little easier to bear. If he was more in his mind he would be embarrassed for falling on the other boy, and ashamed as he got up to lock the door. In the meantime, he was just grateful to be lying on something soft. _

_ He followed the other’s movements as he came back to the bed, and he slowly moved up to rest on one arm so he could be closer to Lukas’ hand. He took it in his own and pressed it against the bruise on his face, his gaze turning steely as he pressed it against the mark and winced in pain. _

_ At Lukas’ observation he scoffed, and the moment was broken. He dropped his hand and sat up completely. Laying down for a moment had settled his head spinning, and now the anger was starting to build. He had been calm for so long, trying to accept what Lukas was going through, but he was getting frustrated. _

_ “I feel like shit. You treat me like shit. You’re a piece of shit.” He spat out. Philip scooted to the end of the bed and held Lukas’ gaze, making sure the other could look away. _

_ “You think you can fuck with me, cheat on your girlfriend, then punch me in the fucking face because you’re scared to admit that you like dick?” He stood up, shoving Lukas away slightly, and ignoring the way his head started hurting again. _

_ “I told myself I wouldn’t get angry because I’ve been there, dude. I’ve been scared and I’ve had to come to terms with my sexuality but I was able to do that without dragging other people into it.” His voice was getting louder, and for the first time in his life he felt rage threatening to bubble over in his stomach. _

_ “You can’t do this, Lukas. You can’t treat everyone around you like shit because you’re going through something. That’s not fair, and that makes you toxic as fuck. If you keep this shit up at the end of the day you’ll have no one; let alone people who will drop everything to come meet you in some stupid fucking cabin in the middle of East Jesus Nowhere because you wanna cry on their fucking shoulder.” _

_ Philip paused, taking a deep breath. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and couldn’t remember when he started crying. His hands were tight fists at his sides, and though the other boy had a few inches on him he felt big. He felt scary. He felt powerful. _

\--

Lukas recoiled fast when Philip sat up, anger radiating from his small frame like heat. He, too, heaved himself up and settled one foot against the floorboards beneath the bed. He had gotten to his feet and leaned forward during Philip’s outburst, his hands raised as he tried to placate the brunette. Stunned into silence, he let the brunette continue and shove him back. His hands balled into fists reflexively when Philip stood, ready to defend himself this time. 

The brunette’s voice rose as he ranted, Lukas’ calm finally snapping as he let his own buried rage and hurt crash to the surface. 

“I don’t know how to deal with shit like this! You don’t get to talk at me, talk like you know everything I feel.” Lukas countered, glaring down at Philip as tears welled in the brunette’s eyes. He stepped forward, bringing their faces close.

“People around here don’t do different, Philip. Fuck, do you think I cut up my face for shits and giggles? This is what happens when you don’t act right around here.” He spat, gesturing with his hand to the gash above his eye, trying to get Philip to understand how distraught he felt. How cornered he was. Of course, Philip could get away with saying shit like that. He had Helen, his mom, maybe even Gabe to confide in. Lukas didn’t have that anymore, he thought ruefully, not without his mom. All he had was his fathers lack of guidance and temper.

“I dont- I thought I had you. Everything is changing about me and I have no control over it, don’t you get that? It’s more than me ‘liking dick’ if people find out.” Lukas pleaded, almost to the point of hysterics. His breathing was harsh and his cheeks felt damp - whether with sweat or blood, Lukas wasn’t sure. He’d never felt this torn up over anything in his life, and it was destroying him.

\--

_ When Lukas started fighting back Philip refused to back down. He jutted his chin out when he stepped closer, and squinted his eyes as he spoke. At the mention of the cut above his eye he momentarily faltered, eyeing the wound for a second before returning to look into Lukas’ cold blue eyes. He looked at it again. Looked back. _

_ After the blonde finished, they both stood motionless in the dead center of the cabin. Their faces were close enough that their heavy breaths from yelling were mixing. Philip closed his eyes and exhaled. When he opened them again he slowly lifted his hand and touched the cut on Lukas’ face. He pressed on it slightly and took his hand away to see the blood that stained his fingers. _

_ For a moment he just stared at the harsh red against his pale skin, and he felt tears coming back into his eyes. He inhaled sharply and looked back at Lukas. _

_ “I’m sorry.” He said simply. Philip hoped that Lukas could see how much more he wanted to see in his eyes, and he stood up on his tip toes and lightly kissed the other boy. He took his face into his hands and kissed him once more before resting their foreheads together. _

_ “I’m so sorry.” He repeated, peppering kisses all over the blonde’s face, making sure to keep away from the wound. _

\--

Lukas’ mouth twitched in pain as Philip pressed against the cut over his eye, but he didn’t make a sound. He watched Philip remove his hand, only to stare at it with fresh tears in his eyes. Shit, he hadn’t meant to make him cry. Before he could panic properly, Philip apologized. Lukas was speechless. Philip - whose anger was justified, and had been truthful if not painful - was sorry? He was about to object when Philip leaned closer.

The blonde accepted the kiss pressed to his lips without complaint. Lukas’ hands came up to  frame Philip’s face and neck, his thumb tracing over the bruise on his jawline absently. 

“It’s okay.” Lukas breathed, catching the brunettes lips with his own after a moment to silence him. 

“I’m sorry, too.” He added softly, shifting so that he could pull the brunette into a tight embrace. His hands clutched at the back of Philip’s shirt, quietly begging him to stay for just a little longer. A few moments passed, and the blonde moved his hands back to Philip’s neck. His breathing had calmed, and his emotional outburst had left him tired and drained.

Lukas gave Philip a look, making sure the brunette knew he could refuse. He maneuvered them both back towards the bed until his own calves touched the edge. Once he was sure that Philip would stay, he gently coaxed him in for another kiss. It was chaste, clear that he wasn’t ready to take the initiative when it came to Philip. He’d hurt the other boy so much already, he didn’t trust himself anymore.

\--

_ Philip smiled softly as Lukas apologized, and he brushed their noses together as he grinned up at him. The anger from before had completely left him, and now all he had left was fondness for the blonde boy. He was trying for him, and he had never had someone try for him like this before. _

_ The feel of Lukas’ hands on his face calmed him, and he let himself be held. Despite the rough skin of his palms and fingers his touch was so gentle and lov- … kind. He relished in the feeling of the other’s arms around him and the light squeeze around his body. Because of their height difference he was completely enveloped in the hug, and he melted against his frame instantly. _

_ When they moved over to the bed he sat down, leaning back and pulling Lukas over him. At first he just stared almost in awe at the boy above him, and he took in all of his features to file away for safekeeping. Lukas seemed the type to spook easily, so he wanted to make sure he wasn’t taking anything for granted. _

_ After he had studied his face for almost a full minute, he took his hands from his side and cupped Lukas’ faces with them. He dragged him closer and kissed him with more force. The relief of their fight being over was washing over him in waves, and he felt drunk off of the feeling of being allowed to touch such a sad and fragile boy. _

_ “You’re so good.” He whispered against Lukas’ lips, ignoring how stupid he sounded. He had lost his filter completely and was too busy trying to take whatever Lukas would give him. Philip wasn’t sure whether this would ever come again, so he kissed him harder and pulled him properly on top of his smaller body.  _

_ He bit at his lip in the way Lukas had liked the last time they were like this, and he worried it between his teeth before licking into his mouth. The brunette inhaled deeply through his nose and brought his hands up the other boy’s jaw and caught his fingers in between the strands of his hair. He pulled testingly with one hand to see if Lukas was alright with it. _

\--

Relief flooded through Lukas and he let out a breath as he felt Philip kiss him back. He felt more than saw Philip move back, his eyes having drifted almost shut. He bit at the inside of his cheek as Philip gazed up at him, his nerves suddenly coming back to life. He wanted to be good for Philip, wanted the other boy to enjoy this and not think he was too much work, too much to deal with. He couldn’t help but worry that Philip would just leave him one day - go back to the city where things were so different.

Suddenly he felt Philip’s hands against his face and he moved forward, wanting to forget his troubles and just do what felt good. At Philip’s words, Lukas felt himself flush bright red at the praise. He straddled the smaller boy’s thighs, his knees pressing into the mattress. He took the chance to nibble at Philip’s neck, trying to hide the blush that was creeping up his neck to his ears. Shit, how did such simple words have such an effect on him?

Eventually, Lukas’ kisses trailed back up Philip’s jaw to his lips, where Philip began to bite at them. Lukas let out a sigh at the treatment, his eyelashes ghosting against his heated cheeks. He let his hands drift up from his sides and press against Philip’s chest and abdomen, careful to keep his touches light in case he did something Philip didn’t like. Was it the same, with guys? While he knew Philip had probably messed around before, Lukas only had his previous times with Rose to go off of. 

Before he could get too far into his own thoughts, Philip’s hand slid through his hair and tugged, causing a grunt to sound from Lukas’ throat. He shifted forward, his hands becoming more rough in their exploration of Philip’s torso. He circled the pad of his thumb around the side of the brunettes chest, feeling his nipple rise at the touch. Encouraged, he did the same with his other hand, beaming internally when Philip’s body reacted. It felt different from his time with Rose - more intimate. 

Lukas shifted his weight on Philip’s thighs, pressing forward slightly. He was a little clumsy, their teeth clacking every so often with his enthusiasm. It felt odd to not feel the give and softness he associated with messing around, but not unwelcome. If anything, it got him more hot under the collar.

He slid his hands down to Philip’s pants, his fingers stilling as they pressed against the material of Philip’s jeans. They eventually retreated to the hem of his shirt, testing the waters. Lukas pulled back, giving the brunette’s caramel gaze a questioning look. 

“Can I…?” He trailed off, licking his kiss-sore lips.

\--

_ Philip wasn’t exactly a virgin. He hadn’t gone ‘all the way’ yet but he had gotten pretty damn close in his time in the city. However, as soon as Lukas was trailing his hands down his chest he felt electrified in a way that he had yet to feel. All of the shitty bathroom and alleyway hookups he had experienced flew out of his head and he arched his back into the other boy’s touch.  _

_ When Lukas separated their lips he blinked his eyes open in a daze and stared at him with an embarrassing amount of wonder in his eyes. The last thing he had expected from the boy who had a few days ago wanted to smack down for him calling a book character gay wanted to touch him and even be touched by him. His head was spinning again, and he blinked a few times to clear his mind a little bit. _

_ He tried to pay attention to the words Lukas was speaking and look him in the eye but he couldn’t stop his eyes from trailing down to his lips as he talked. They were red and raw from how he had bitten them, and Philip felt heat starting to pool in his stomach. _

_ The brunette sat up on his elbows and used one hand to pull Lukas’ face closer to him. He tug his teeth into his neck and sucked at it thoughtfully before pulling away with a smile. _

_ “You can do whatever you want to me.” He whispered, lying back down on the bed and pressing down on the mark with his thumb.  _

_ This was his element, and he felt more like the confident self he had been at the night of the Halloween party that changed everything. He was regaining his power over the blonde boy and it added a glint to his eye. _

_ With his other hand he pressed Lukas’ palm more forcefully against his crotch. When his half-hard cock twitched against it he lolled his head back and chuckled to himself. _

\--

Despite how much he wanted to touch Philip, taste him, make this good for him, Lukas didn’t have much experience, to go off of - having only messed around with little success with Rose. Something just hadn’t felt right with the girl, everything too soft and pliant. With Philip, everything felt right. It was hard for Lukas to believe, the words of his father and classmates echoing in his ears about how disgusting this was supposed to be, how wrong it was. Maybe.. they were wrong - just maybe.

The blonde’s gaze focused on the brunette as Philip sat up and pulled him closer to nip a mark onto the skin of his neck. He let out a surprised groan at the attention, his hips jerking forward of their own accord as he braced himself above the brunette with one hand.

Philip’s reply went straight to Lukas’ dick, causing it to press against the confines of his pants. He let out a shaky breath, his eyes locked with Philip’s, his expression turning heated. He felt dumb, his thoughts filled with images of Philip, of what they were doing. His whole world had stopped moving, settling on nothing but the brunette. 

Now that he had permission, Lukas’ free hand traveled up under Philip’s shirt and he splayed his hand across the brunettes ribs and chest, unable to keep himself still. The awe at being the one to spur such a reaction from Philip left the blonde’s thoughts racing, his exploring hand taken in Philip’s and pressed against the smaller boy’s growing erection. His breath caught in his throat as he stared at the brunette, his gaze flicking back and forth between his hand and his face. 

With his pulse racing, Lukas retracted his hands and gripped the brunette’s thighs and pulled, fitting his crotch against the other’s. 

His movements may have been a little rough, but he was determined. He wanted to hear Philip’s voice, wanted to know all of the sounds he could make. 

He focused on gaining Philip’s attention, reaching up and folding his hand around the back of Philip’s neck, tilting the brunettes face closer to his own. 

“I want to see you.” Lukas breathed against Philip’s lips. He let their breaths mingle for a few minutes, resting their foreheads together.

With growing confidence, the blonde pressed forward, licking his way into Philip’s mouth. Slowly, his kisses grew more needy, his lips trailing across the brunettes jaw, gently grazing his bruise. He pulled back and locked his gaze with Philip’s, rocking his hips forward experimentally. He moved his hands down to paw at Philip’s button and zipper, his fingers uncoordinated and hurried. How he managed to lower the brunettes jeans down his thighs was a mystery, because as soon as he saw Philip’s cock straining against his briefs, he couldn’t think of anything else. A wet spot had spread across the fabric, dampened by pre-cum. Dazed, Lukas let his fingers caress the length of Philip’s dick, the pads of his fingers trailing lightly over it.

\--

_ The lust-filled haze that was making Philip’s brain foggy was about 60% sure he was in the middle of the best wet dream of his life. His suspicions were denied as Lukas yanked his legs hard enough for their crotches to line up. _

_ “Oh my god.” He exhaled against Lukas’ lips, taking his hands and trying to grab onto something to ground him. He used one hand to hold onto the sheets by his side, but when Lukas left one hand on his chest he curled his own around it and dug the other boy’s nails into his chest. Philip broke the kiss and bite his lip with a coy grin as he dragged the hand down. Now four red lines contrasted with the pale of his chest and he brought the blonde’s hand back up to do it again, this time grazing over his nipple. _

_ Philip swallowed hard and tried to hold eye contact with the blonde, but as soon as he felt him thrust against his hips his head fell back onto the pillow behind him. However from this position he couldn’t see Lukas undoing his pants, so when there was suddenly a hand on his dick his back arched into it.  _

_ He should be embarrassed with how eager he was for this, but the feeling of Lukas’ curious gaze on him and his nervous palming on his cock through his boxers was too much for him. _

_ “Please,” He started, lifting his head and looking at Lukas properly. He looked like a mess, with his lips still red, his eyes hooded, and his hair mussed up, but he couldn’t really find any reason to care. His breathing was labored slightly and he tried to catch his breath. “I need you to touch me.”  _

_ Philip scooted back up the bed for a moment so he could take his boxers and pants off completely. Once they were off he tossed them to the side of the room and sat back down with his legs loosely around Lukas’. He stayed sitting up as he brought the blonde’s face to his and kissed him softer. Since the initial adrenaline had worn off he took his time kissing him, and smiled into it. _

\--

Heat pooled into Lukas’ abdomen as he took in Philip’s debauched state, loving the fact that he had caused the boy to become so disheveled. He waited for Philip to shimmy out of his pants and boxers, watching as the smaller boy settled himself back under Lukas. He ran his palms up the brunettes thighs, under his shirt and across his back, supporting him. He kissed Philip back with an ease he doubted he’d ever have, his own smile causing the kiss to turn sloppy. His gaze dropped to Philip’s still clothed chest, his eyes glittering with mischief. He rucked Philip’s shirt up around his armpits, leaning down to lick at the welts that had begun to form from his earlier, rough treatment.

Lukas pressed kisses against the line that covered Philip’s nipple, playing with the sensitive skin there. One hand kept the brunette’s shirt up, while another trailed down to ghost feather-light touches against Philip’s dick. He knew he was being a tease, but he couldn’t help it. He’d never experienced something that felt this good with someone before, let alone a boy. Lukas’ hormones were the driving force behind his decisions now.

The blonde relented his abuse, drawing back and looking smugly at the heaving, glistening chest before him. Oh, he had it bad. 

He took the brunette’s cock more firmly into his palm, stroking up and down. With a twist of his wrist at the tip, he smeared pre-cum to make his movements easier. Lukas watched Philip’s face, his breath quickening as his own erection throbbed almost painfully. 

Fuck, he wasn’t going to last. Lukas removed his hand from him and looped the brunettes arms around his shoulders in order for him to stay upright. With his free hand, he began palming his own cock through his jeans, desperate for some kind of touch. He swallowed thickly, flicking his gaze down to watch him pump his hand along Philips shaft. The blush dusted across his cheeks darkened and he dropped his face into the crook of Philip’s neck, panting harshly as he continued his ministrations. 

\--

_ Philip was absolutely wrecked. He tried hard to keep his composure but the fact that Lukas was touching him like this without any semblance of regret was fucking with his head. All of the hesitation and ‘no homo’ that had radiated off of the other boy was gone and all that was left was someone who just wanted him to feel good. If he was in a different mindset it may have made him emotional. _

_ When Lukas pulled away from their kiss Philip unconsciously followed him, and opened his eyes to furrow his brow when the other boy kept moving away. For a second he was scared that he had come to his senses and was gonna leave him lying there, his cock hard against his stomach and his brain fuzzy. He was about to open his mouth to ask what happened when his shirt was yanked up and Lukas’ mouth was on him. _

_ Startled, he moaned louder than he meant to as he felt the hot and scratched skin heat up more alongside the pressure of Lukas’ tongue. His hand flew to his mouth and he bit down on his fist to keep himself from making more noise. When there was a finger over his nipple again he whined and bucked his hips slightly, _

_ Philip thought he was overwhelmed until Lukas wrapped his hand properly around his dick and tugged far too well for someone who had only ever jerked himself off before. He bucked his hips again and whimpered pathetically, his eyes screwed tight. _

_ He brought Lukas closer once his arms were wrapped around the blonde, and scratched the pale skin there as the other boy started palming himself. The fact that Lukas seemed to be getting close just from jerking him off was just too much for Philip to handle, and he thrusted into his grip in time with his movements. _

\--

The dig of nails into his skin made Lukas’ mind short-circuit for a second. Coming to a decision, Lukas untangled their limbs and motioned for Philip to lay back against the mattress. Once he complied, the blonde pressed himself against Philip’s side and paused to lick a stripe across his palm before continuing, his strokes coming faster and less gentle against Philip’s cock. If his pain tolerance was something he wanted Lukas to know, Philip had succeeded. Lukas was done with taking his time and being careful; he wanted Philip to know how much he affected the blonde. 

Lukas trailed his hand lower, fondling the brunette’s balls. He cupped them before rolling them between his fingers, aching to find out how Philip would react. He brought his hand back up to Philip’s dick, his fingers drifting up and down the thick vein on the underside. Forget Motocross, Philip was Lukas’ new obsession. He felt overwhelmed by the thought, knowing that he was sacrificing a large part of who he was to be with Philip. It was this realization that coaxed the blonde over the edge.

All too soon, Lukas gave a startled whine and canted his jean-clad member against Philip’s hip, shivering as his own orgasm crashed into him. He gasped, the wetness of his cum covering the inside of his boxers. He continued to thrust through the aftershocks, his movements turning lazy and languid. 

The blonde felt his ears burn with embarrassment, hiding his face against Philip’s shoulder. He couldn’t believe he’d just come in his pants like a thirteen year-old. Philip had seen him come in his pants like a thirteen year-old. Fuck.

\--

_ “Holy shit.” Philip said sharply around the knuckle in his mouth, and he bit down harder and Lukas’ hand continued down. _

_ “Oh… My god.” He moaned, tossing his head back and letting his fist fall into the sheets. His fingers curled into them and his thighs shook with how close he was. The brunette swallowed heavily at the grip on his cock becoming a soft caress of rough fingers. Philip opened his eyes slightly, but they remained hooded as he watched Lukas suddenly buck against his hips and still after a moment. The other boy’s mouth was open slack and Philip’s eyes went wide as he realized what happened. _

_ “Did you just-?” He started, swallowing again at how hoarse his voice had gone with all of his noises. All of the embarrassment he had felt was gone, and his cheeks heated up significantly. When Lukas put his head on his shoulder Philip coaxed it back up and locked eyes with him. Bewilderment was written over his features and he dug his fingers into Lukas’ jaw and neck to bring their lips together. He kissed him deeply as he thrusted into the grip that was still on his cock, and came with a high-pitched whine against his mouth. _

_ After he had come down a bit he pressed some soft kisses to Lukas’ cheeks. The high from his orgasm made him giggle childishly, and he nuzzled into his neck with a huge grin on his face. _

_ “You think I’m that hot?” He asked cheekily, but with no real judgement in his voice. Philip pulled away from him but kept his hands on his face. For a few seconds he just looked into the blonde’s eyes, still smiling despite the fact that there was cum and sweat cooling on his skin. Now that he thought about it, however, it felt kind of gross. He chuckled and took Lukas’ hand, pulling it to his mouth. While holding eye contact he licked the hand clean and sucked at his fingers. His mouth popped off of them once he was done and he winked. _

_ Philip then got up from the bed and wandered out the door to his bathroom so he could grab a wet towel to clean up with, swaying his hips slightly as he walked out. _

\--

Lukas felt vulnerable with Philip, knowing that his thoughts and worries would be met with reason and intellect, rather than shame. It threw him off, feeling so safe and wanted around another person. But it wasn’t unwelcome.

When Philip drew his face close again, Lukas almost expected some kind of joke or snide comment about his stamina, and it must have show on his face because the next thing he knew he was being kissed senseless. Lukas had enough of a mind to keep his hand still but firm as the brunette thrust up, chasing his own orgasm. He swallowed the smaller boys cry without complaint, pride welling up in his chest.

Once the brunette came back down, Lukas let Philip litter his face with kisses, a sated smile lifting up his face. He let his cheek rest against the smaller boy’s hair as he nuzzled into his neck.

“Man, don’t get too excited. It’s just- been a while.” Lukas answered, shrugging his shoulders in mock defeat. He knew Philip’s words held no malice in them, but he still couldn’t wrap his head around what they’d just done. It would take him a while before he could truly think on it, but for now, that was ok; he didn’t want to ruin this moment. He let his gaze rest on Philip’s face, taking in the brunettes messed up hair and rumpled shirt. 

The next thing he knew, Philip’s mouth was trailing along his come-covered hand and shit if that wasn’t the hottest thing he’d seen all day. His gaze went hazy and his eyes became hooded as he watched the brunette lick and suck his hand clean.

Lukas blinked hard, coming back to himself. Shit, he didn’t know if he should feel aroused at the display or disgusted. It made him feel a little uneasy, but Philip had seemed to enjoy it, so he cast the feeling aside. 

Once Philip sauntered out of sight, Lukas let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding and ran his hands over his face. He sat up and swung his feet over to the floor, stretching as he stood. He winced as the mess in his pants pulled at his skin where it had dried and wrinkled his nose at the sensation. Where were his spare clothes in this dump, again?

\--

_ In the bathroom, Philip had one hand firmly grasping the nozzle of his faucet. He breathed deeply as he turned on the hot water, and let the sound ease his nerves. There was still a sheen coating his skin, and he shivered from the draft that came through the window. He looked up to stare at himself in the mirror, and flinched when he was reminded of the bruise on his face. _

_ A full minute of staring later, he grabbed a hand towel from the rack to the right of the sink and wet it. Carefully, he wiped off his abdomen and thighs. Once the rag was successfully ruined he tossed onto the rim of the tub to deal with later. Now he was really shivering, and he padded back to his room with goosebumps on his arms. _

_ Lukas had found his clothes and he smiled at his back as he got changed. Philip picked up a pair of sweatpants at his feet and stepped into them gingerly. After successfully dressing enough for the moment he walked over to the blonde and wrapped his arms around his waist. Since Lukas was taller than him he had to stand on his toes to hook his chin over his shoulder. He smiled into his neck and pressed a soft kiss to the skin there, and for a moment he forgot that by tomorrow the boy in his arms would go back to being straight and dating a soft girl with longer hair and a smile that reached her eyes. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Under his feet was the old wood of the pier, and next to him in the water sat Helen and Gabe’s canoe. Being on the lake with Gabe was the first time he felt peace since arriving to the new town, and he hoped that it could bring Lukas the same feeling. After their brief conversation the week before Philip had been antsy to delve further into the meaning behind Lukas. It was as if he had just unearthed a treasure chest, and now he just needed to pick the lock so he could get to what was inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is so late and kind of short... it was really hard for me to get the motivation to write so its totally my bad  
> thank you guys so much for the kudos and comments, its all really appreciated. as always follow [me](http://jaydenwithcon.tumblr.com) and [jamie](http://hislivinglegacy.tumblr.com) on tumblr if you want. this fic has a [post](http://jaydenwithcon.tumblr.com/post/152702167214/) if you want to reblog! enjoy.

_ The crisp winter air had flushed Philip’s cheeks and caused his fingers to retreat inside of his jacket sleeps. He shivered and his teeth chattered slightly, and despite it being only 40 _ _ ° degrees he felt that kind of cold that you could feel in your bones. He had never been very good with the cold, despite living in New York all of his life, and the fact that he was by water wasn’t helping much. _

_ Tivoli’s lake was fairly big. It was big enough that you couldn’t quite see the other shore, but not so large as to be much of a landmark. Gabe had taken him here a few times so he could learn how to paddle a boat, and after a few embarrassing tries he got it. However, on this particular afternoon the wind was getting to him and he switched from foot to foot anxiously. _

_ Under his feet was the old wood of the pier, and next to him in the water sat Helen and Gabe’s canoe. Being on the lake with Gabe was the first time he felt peace since arriving to the new town, and he hoped that it could bring Lukas the same feeling. After their brief conversation the week before Philip had been antsy to delve further into the meaning behind Lukas. It was as if he had just unearthed a treasure chest, and now he just needed to pick the lock so he could get to what was inside. _

_ Speaking of the blonde boy, his thoughts were interrupted by the revving of a motorcycle engine, and he turned around to watch the bike slowly turn around the corner and ride up to the dirt by the pier. Despite being slightly started Philip smiled out of instinct as the bike in front of him came to a stop. Since no one was around he walked right up to it and put his hand on Lukas’ arm, squeezing it lightly in greeting. _

_ “I was wondering when you were gonna show up. My feet are about to fall off,” He laughed easily, smiling enough that there were wrinkles around his eyes. _

\--

Lukas cut his engine as Philip approached, smiling against the inside of his helmet. He wasn’t sure how he would feel, seeing Philip again. Now that he knew the brunette, intimately at least, he felt that things ought to have changed. Only they hadn’t; he still felt fearful of coming out, of being caught. Rationally, he knew impressions that ran this deep couldn’t change so quickly, but that didn’t stop him from hoping.

“You’re such a princess.” Lukas joked once he tugged his helmet off, staring at Philip’s warm eyes before playfully shoving him back so he could climb off his bike. He was hesitant to touch the other boy in any way that could be seen as more than friendly - even though he knew Gabe and Helen were out of town for the day. But damn if Philip didn’t look cute, his hair wind-swept and face flushed from the cold.

He ran a hand through his hair as he brushed past the brunette, gazing out across the open expanse of water. He huffed and crossed his arms, his breath turning into a puff of vapor in the chilled air. The blonde looked expectantly over his shoulder at Philip, raising an eyebrow as he stood by the canoe. 

“You’re sure you know how to use this thing?” He nodded at the small boat, his lips pressed together in skepticism.

\--

_ Philip chuckled and winked cheekily at Lukas. _

_ “I like when you call me princess.” He teased as he was pushed, and he laughed harder at the action. As Lukas walked past him Philip followed, and momentarily got lost in thought as they stood next to the boat. The fact that Lukas didn’t really touch him was bugging him. He knew that the other boy wasn’t comfortable with public displays of affection, but they were in the middle of nowhere and he hadn’t kissed him since they hooked up almost two weeks ago. _

_ Lukas’ words made him jump, and he snapped his eyes to the blonde as he spoke. He grinned deviously and bumped shoulders with him. _

_ “I’ve got it under control, babe, don’t worry.” _

_ He was pushing it again and was fully aware of it, but he wanted to see how far he could go before Lukas stopped him. Philip slowly stepped into the canoe, and adjusted the oars so that Lukas could come in without stepping on them. Once he was holding on to one and the other was leaning against the other bench, he nodded at the other boy to get in. _

_ “Unless you’re scared, we can get this show on the road.” He said playfully, smiling up at Lukas through his lashes and laughing lightly. _

_ The boat was rocking slightly under his weight, but he was used to the feeling, and it was kind of relaxing. _

\--

Lukas flushed beside Philip as the shorter boy teased him, the uncertainty he had been feeling finally lifted off his shoulders. If Philip felt comfortable enough to poke fun and use pet names, Lukas had nothing to worry about. Unless he began using them around other people.

"Don't drown us." Lukas joked back and rolled his eyes, nudging Philip back with his own shoulder. He uncrossed his arms as Philip moved himself into the canoe, noticing with concern at the way the boat and the brunette in it swayed against the water. He bit at his bottom lip, a small smile still on his face as he watched Philip settle the tiny boat enough for Lukas to step on.

"M'not scared." Lukas muttered, too busy fumbling into the boat to bite back much. 

Once inside the canoe, he stalled, flicking his gaze up and down Philip's body. Before his brain could come up with a reason not to, he leaned over and gave a quick peck to the corner of the brunettes lips. Lukas trailed his thumb across Philip's cheek before stepping back.

He focused his gaze on Philip, trying to shove his budding anxiety of being on the water down. There was no doubt that Gabe had taught Philip his way around the canoe and how to properly handle it. It was more difficult than he had anticipated; trusting Philip enough to get behind him in the same way Philip did when on his bike. 

"So what now,  _ babe _ ?"

\--

_ The boat shook slightly under the added weight of Lukas, and for a second Philip wondered if two guys over six feet tall was testing the limits of the canoe. It was a little low in the water and Philip ignored it, choosing to pick up his oar and rest it in the water to his right. _

_ “Alright boat crash course let’s go. It’s pretty difficult so make sure you’re paying attention.” He said seriously, looking over his shoulder to stare intensely into Lukas’ eyes. _

_ “You take the oar, and you put it in the water, and you move it.” The brunette continued, a smile breaking out over his features as he laughed at his own joke. _

_ With the formalities out of the way, Philip used his oar to push off from the pier, and started to row along the shoreline. He didn’t want to go too far into the lake in case something went wrong. Even without going too far the feel of rocking in the water was already calming him down. He had been so overwhelmed with everything going on he didn’t realize his stress levels until they started to lower. _

_ Though it was cold out on the water, the air was crisp and the light breeze felt nice against his exposed skin. Philip always preferred being cold to being hot, because there was something grounding about a chill resting in his bones and numbing his fingertips. _

\--

At Philip’s sudden change in tone, Lukas turned his attention to the brunette in front of him. He gazed intensely back at Philip, waiting to hear the instructions on canoe rowing. His shoulders grew more tense as he watched Philip look over his shoulder. Shit, was he ready for this? As the shorter boy teased and Lukas listened, the blonde shook his head as a lopsided grin lit up his face.

“Screw you.” Lukas laughed, turning the oar over in his hands before placing it into the water at his side. It was easier for him to calm down when he had something other than the rocking of the canoe to focus on. The sound of the water lapping against the wood beneath them no doubt helped as well. It was calming, in an odd sort of way. It wasn’t quick and dangerous like his racing, but gentle and easy. 

“This is… nice,” Lukas started after a few minutes of quiet rowing, chewing on the inside of his cheek while he sorted out his thoughts, trying to figure out what best to say next. “It’s sort of like when I ride my bike, you know? Nothing else matters.“ He mused, hoping he wasn’t oversharing. It felt good to just talk with Philip - he didn’t feel judged or like anything was expected of him. He could just think out loud and it would be okay.

\--

_ Philip kept looking straight ahead as he reached behind him with one arm to shove the other boy back a little bit. Roughhousing in a boat in the middle of a lake was probably not the best idea, but the fact that he was alone with Lukas and for a second everything seemed okay was causing butterflies to swirl in his stomach. He couldn’t help but smile as he laughed at Lukas’ response. _

_ “You wish, dude.” He responded, moving his oar in the water again so they drifted a little further into the lake. _

_ His eyes shut and he hummed at Lukas’ thoughts, and the butterflies calmed down to a nice and warm feeling that cloaked him like a blanket. He turned around to smile warmly at Lukas, and he nodded slowly. _

_ “Yeah. I used to think my favourite place in the world was this smaller park in the city but right now with y- … with the uh, out on the water is cutting is pretty close.” Philip covered up his stutter with another laugh, but this one was more forced. He switched his eyes back to the front of the boat, and willed the blush on his cheeks to go down. _

_ “Obviously you know Central Park, but there’s another one to the west of it that has a pond in it. It’s called Prospect Park, and my mom used to take me there for walks when I was a little kid.” His face softened at the memory, and the bittersweet feeling that came with it he shrugged off. _

_ “There were ducks in the pond there and I would save up every week so I could buy some bread for them. I know you’re not supposed to feed ducks bread but when you’re only nine years old you can’t exactly buy high quality seeds, you know?” Philip was well aware of the fact that he was rambling, but there was something about the calmness of the moment around him that made him feel safe. Like he could say anything and it would be alright, that he could still feel safe. _

\--

The blonde was finally able to relax as they got further out of sight from the shore, a more pleased smile settling on his face as he listened to Philip’s tale. The shorter boy didn’t talk much about his time in the city; or about his mom. He guessed they were the same with that - their mom’s being touchy subjects. It was easy to imagine the pond and the parks that Philip talked about - he’d been to Central Park, briefly, when his mom was alive - and even easier to imagine the brunette as a pre-teen, feeding the ducks. It was an image he hoped he didn’t forget anytime soon. 

“Maybe we could go there sometime. Just you and me. Show me around, and all that.” Lukas suggested without thinking, surprising himself. A blush crept across his cheeks and neck, his already flushed skin turning a deeper shade of red at his embarrassment. He knew he hadn’t left the best impression of himself with the brunette thus far, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe Philip didn’t mind. Lukas just wanted to spend as much time around Philip as possible - and that scared him a little. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be feeling the things he was towards Philip - towards another guy. But Philip looked so at ease and comfortable with who he was, that it gave Lukas a little bit of courage.

Lukas kept pace with his rowing as he let Philip talk, his arms falling into an easy rhythm. The repetitive movement helped him keep the chill at bay for a while, but soon they were no longer protected by the bushes and trees on the shore and were buffeted by the early-winter winds. Thanksgiving had been weeks ago, and the weather had since turned more crisp and  unforgiving. Frost had even coated the glass outside Lukas’ window this morning. He sniffed and rubbed his nose briefly with his gloved hands, suppressing a shiver as the wind tore through his limp hair and brushed against his neck. He hunched his shoulders instinctively against the cold, grumbling something about wishing he’d brought a thicker coat.

\--

_ Lukas’ words made a matching blush bloom on Philip’s cheeks, and his shoulders hunched as he let out a nervous laugh. Keeping his eyes on the water in front of him he nodded curtly, and tried not to let his voice shake when he answered. _

_ “Yeah, I’d like that.” He started, mulling over ideas in his head. “There’s a chinese food place on this dead end street that no one but the locals know about, and it’s got the best lo mein in the city. Aside from that there’s a few clubs I used to go to… I think you’d like it.” Philip smiled softly to himself at the thought of showing Lukas around Manhattan. The idea that he could be with the other boy in public and hold his hand as they wandered the streets he knew made something warm unfurl in his chest. He didn’t realize he was still smiling until his cheeks started to hurt, and he took a deep breath to relax. _

_ “Obviously we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but if you’re up for it,” He turned to look the blonde in the eyes. “I’d go anywhere with you.” _

_ He swallowed nervously and held eye contact with the other boy to show his sincerity and ignored the way his hands shook with anxiety. _

_ “Anyway,” He continued, clearing his throat and taking in Lukas’ shaking figure. “We should probably head back to shore before you freeze to death.” _

_ He teased him cheekily and set their course back towards the pier, ignoring the way his leg was bouncing up and down slightly. _

\--

Hearing Philip confess to him with such sincerity in his voice made Lukas' breath catch in his throat. He stared at the brunette,  soaking in the comfort that those words gave him. He knew Philip at least liked him; if their last meeting gave any indication. But Lukas couldn't help but doubt, wondering if was it purely physical, or if he dared hope for something more.

"I want to; wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it." Lukas replied, squinting his eyes against the wind as he held Philip's gaze. 

The blonde pouted at Philip's joke and shifted his grasp on the oar as they made their way towards shore. While he was freezing, he didn't want to be the reason their trip was cut short. He let the rhythmic sound of the water against the polished wood of the canoe lull him into a more calm mood, happy to just bask in the fact that he and Philip were spending time together. It was something he wanted to do more often, but didn't know how to ask for.

It took them a while to make it back to the pier, but once it was steady enough for Lukas to chance stepping out of the boat he stumbled onto the cool wood. He helped Philip tie it up, quietly weighing his options before he acted. The blonde did a quick sweep of their surroundings, taking in the absence of Gabe's truck and letting out an anxious breath.

When Philip was done doing whatever it was he was doing to the boat - Lukas didn't care enough to find out - he reached out and grabbed at the shorter boys coat by his waist, his grip awkward due to not being able to feel his fingers. 

"Th-thanks. For this." Lukas stammered, the chill causing his teeth to rattle. He then pulled Philip into a tight embrace, sucking in a breath at the immediate heat he felt. He let his cheek rest against Philip's wind-blown hair, content to stay like this for a little while.

\--

_ Philip nodded curtly at Lukas’ thank you, and opened his mouth to respond only to shut it as he was pulled into the hug. He froze immediately, and after a moment of having his face awkwardly pressed into the cold fabric over the blonde’s chest he slowly wrapped his arms around the other boy.  _

_ He exhaled shakily and shut his eyes tight at the feeling of being so close to the other boy. Sneakily he inhaled Lukas’s cologne and felt his brain get a bit fuzzy. It was just familiar enough to be comforting, but still new enough to be enticing. He could drown in that. _

_ He’s not sure exactly how long they stood on the dock with their arms around each other, but it was only when Philip felt his toes finally lose the last of their feeling in his shoes that he stepped back. It took a little awkwardness to get Lukas to let go of him, and he filed that embarrassing detail for later so he could tease him. _

_ In the meantime he smiled warmly at the other boy, and without thinking he tilted his head up to kiss Lukas softly. They were still standing pretty close so it wasn’t hard to reach his lips. It was a brief peck, nothing serious, but he still felt his head spinning. He shrugged his shoulders and laughed nervously before taking a few more steps away. _

_ “I’ll um, see you around.” He said tilting his head slightly before spinning around. With that as the most uncomfortable goodbye he could have done, he walked off towards his house to grab Gabe to put the boat away. _

\--

Lukas smiled into Philips hair as the shorter boy returned his hug, the hazel strands tickling his nose. It didn't matter that it was probably a few degrees above freezing and they were just standing around, not with Philip this close. Lukas wished they could stay like this, maybe not forever, but at least a few decades. He chuckled as he felt the brunettes chest expand as he inhaled Lukas' scent, wanting to tease but not wanting to ruin the moment.

It took some awkward maneuvering for Philip to extract his limbs from Lukas', but eventually they were standing a few inches apart, cheeks flushed. The blonde watched fondly as Philip leaned closer, this time for a kiss. He returned the peck easily, almost without thought. It was becoming something that brought him comfort; being with the brunette. He was still smiling as he listened to Philip stumble over his words, his mannerisms turning more nervous. He smirked, finding it seriously cute. 

"Yeah, see you later." Lukas said as they parted ways, lifting his thumb up to press against his lips as he walked back towards his bike. He cast one last glance towards Philip's receding frame before tugging his helmet on.


End file.
